Folks, I have had another Zero Bar

CW: I bite into a candy bar and then show the image of the candy bar I’ve bitten into

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Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Mister Bush, the fact that you ate one Candy bar isn’t enough to justify a post.” Well, guess what:

It is.

The Zero bar is a mythical, barely-existent candy bar. Go to your local candy store, they’ll have it, probably. Go to your local Gas station, they might have it. Go to your local vending machine, though, and chances are, it won’t be there. The average candy machine might have Big Red gum, or Mounds, or… like… Gardetto’s… But no Zero bar.

You don’t happen upon a Zero bar. You have to seek out a Zero bar. I had to seek out a Zero bar. This afternoon, when I went into the one store on the campus of this major four-year research institution that stocked Zero bars, I knew what I was coming in for and what I was leaving with.

The Zero bar, produced by The Hershey Company – even though I could’ve said like “Peter Paul” or “NestlĂ©” or “The Willy Wonka Candy Company” and you would’ve believed it – was introduced way back in 1920 according to Wikipedia, which means that William Howard Taft had ten full years to eat as many as he wanted before his death. This bar has been in production for 98 years at this point, which is like at least thirty times as long as Reese’s Swoops were available, which is some kind of bullshit.

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The most important thing about the Zero bar is the uncanny whiteness it exudes upon opening it. It’s the whitest thing I’ve ever seen, and not even three seconds after I open my eyes to it, I take a huge bite right into it and reveal the brown underneath.

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Mmm, yeah, look at that. It’s really unlike anything I’ve ever tasted before unless we count the numerous Zero bars I’ve consumed in the past as things I’ve tasted before. It has nougat and peanut, i think, under that coat of whiteness.

The Zero bar is fine. The Zero bar is never my first choice, but whenever I get one, it’s my only choice. I never choose it unless I choose it. It’s not like a Butterfinger where I buy one and then it gunks up my teeth and I’m like “Oh I shouldn’t have chosen that”. With a Zero bar, I know exactly what I’m getting, I know it’s like a 65% on the RottenTomatoes of Candy, and I know I’ll like it.

You have to be in the Zero bar mood in order to pick out and enjoy a nice Zero bar. The Zero bar is incomparable to anything else. The Zero bar is the Zero bar is the Zero bar is the Zero bar. The Zero bar puts you in a special Zero bar mindset that is unmatched by any other candy. One day, you’ll know. You’ll be sitting there, and you’ll think, “gee, I haven’t eaten a Zero bar in a while” and then, ten minutes later, you’ll go into a drug store, find one, pay like one dollar for it, and leave with nothing else.

This is what I have just done. I had another Zero bar.

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About Joe Bush

The guy behind JoeBush.net and a lot of other things
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