Sir… please buy me these shoes. I know I don’t have the money for these shoes, but it’s Christmas time, and I need these shoes. I’ve laid out my reasoning and I hope you’ll make the right decision here and purchase these shoes.

These ones. These are the Shoes I want you to buy for me.

1. I don’t have the money

I’m a poor lil boy. I’ve been throwin’ change on the table here at Payless Shoesource for ten minutes now, the guy behind the counter counts it up, tells me I’m twelve dollars and thirteen cents short. Clearly I’m a dirty boy too, my clothes are old and beat up, and I also don’t like to shower and love to play in a sandbox but neither of those aspects of my hygiene are relevant to my poverty. Still, I got no money and I gotta buy these dang shoes.

This is me. I’m wearing three shirts so you know I can’t afford a regular little boy coat. Also, Go Fuckin Sox, Nomahhhhhh!!! Yankees Suck! Yankees Suck! Yankees Suck!

2. My mom’s got a non-specific disease and she’s gonna die

Look, man. It’s gonna happen. Dad says it’s gonna happen tonight and I’m here at Payless Shoesource and I might miss her death in pursuit of these shoes. There’s not much time and for some reason my dad let me run out to Payless Shoesource for several hours.

3. It is Christmas time and you’re supposed to help people at Christmas time

This is a no-brainer. I don’t know your faith, sir, but this is the midwest and I’m gonna assume you’re a Christian. You’ve seen the Christmas films. It’s all about helping people and miracles or something and you’ve gotta help out a poor little boy at Payless Shoesource. This is the sort of thing they put on ABC Family channel on December 14th or something. Please buy me the shoes.

4. You require some sort of meaning in your life

That’s you. You’re the guy from St. Elmo’s Fire

You’ve probably got a kid you neglect because you’ve gotta work, I assume. Or, like a dog that you don’t see enough. Or a wife or husband maybe, and you love them but you focus so much on like work, or a hobby, or fantasy football or something so much that you don’t feel fulfilled anymore and work’s making you depressed. Yes, well, buying these shoes is your ticket to feeling like you’ve done something good. Missed your kid’s Karate recital or some shit because you were too busy selling insurance? Didn’t get to see your wife’s stand up performance at open mic night? Haven’t had a good bone session with your husband in a week and a half? Buy me these shoes. It’ll fix it.

5. Mom needs to look good when she meets Jesus

This is Jesus, I assume

Jesus was famously picky in fashion. I’m a little boy and I have little sense of priority and a literal sense of how death and ascension to heaven works so I assume that my mom’s gonna meet Jesus wearing full normal street clothing. By this logic, the dude who died of a heart attack at a Bengals game last week met Jesus wearing a vintage Ickey Woods jersey. I gotta make sure she’s wearing these shoes when she meets him because if she’s got her normal torn up Vans on, Jesus is gonna be like “oh no don’t let her into Heaven, also I’m the gatekeeper in heaven in this little boy’s brain”. So she’s gotta have Christ-approved shoes.

For these reasons, I think you should purchase me these shoes. I’ve laid out my case, and I do need you to hurry because there’s a more than zero percent chance that she’s already died and I’m at the goddamned Payless Shoesource.