The Government Employees Insurance COmpany produces like 45 thirty-second TV spots per year and allegedly also sells car insurance to employees of the government. I did some research and found that the famed gecko mascot was picked because “Gecko sounds a bit like GEICO.”
If you haven’t noticed, the GEICO ads have gone off the fucking rails ever since that caveman show died off in 2008. The new GEICO still props the corpse of the gecko up and rolls him out to say shit like “you can save money on your car insurance” in an English accent, but they’ve also diverted some of their 14 Billion Dollar* advertising budget into other ventures with the end goal of getting customers to change insurance providers out of sheer attrition. Through my super-sleuthing*, I’ve been able to find where some of that 14 Billion will be going in the 2018 year.
The aforementioned gecko. The caveman. The stack of dollar bills with a pair of googly eyes atop it. The rhetorical question guy. The pig who yelled out of the window. These are the names that have been entered into the GEICO canon over the past twenty or so years. 2018 will see a new uptick in GEICO mascots, with the introduction of new, soon-to-be-recurring faces such as:
- The Sad Fifth Grader – He’s sad for some reason, then a teacher tells him she’s saved thousands on her car insurance thanks to GEICO and he makes a face and runs around. We will print the face on t-shirts.
- Calamity Bear – Calamity Bear is a teddy bear missing one leg who desperately needs the money to stitch his old leg back. He comes up with Evel Kinevel-esque stunts to win money so he can buy the leg surgery, but at the end of every ad a narrator tells him it would’ve been easier to get the money for the surgery had he switched to GEICO. Calamity Bear will be discontinued by the end of the year as photo edits of him as a communist downtrodden by the American healthcare system flood Tumblr
- The Mob Boss – The mob boss stops the gecko on a counter of some sort and says “eh, wise guy, eh?” and the gecko says “what is wise is switching to GEICO insurance and saving money” and then the Mob Boss says “Now that’s a wise guy.” This phrase will hopefully reach its apex during the NBA Playoffs when someone dunks or something and an announcer’s like “NOW THAT‘S A WISE GUY”
GEICO made waves in 2017 by bringing Boyz II Men in to sing a song about farts. In 2018, GEICO will bring in a new crop of beloved celebs to prompt a dopamine release in the potential car insurance buyer.
- Matthew Broderick – The ad is a fifteen second spot of Matthew Broderick standing outside of a totaled car and awkwardly looking around to see if anyone notices what he’s done. The VO says “If you’re Matthew Broderick, you sometimes get in a car accident. It’s what you do!” We at Joe Bush dot Net severely hope this is just a Ferris Bueller’s Day Off reference.
- George H.W. Bush – The former president is at a service desk mouthing words to the person behind it. The VO is “If you’re former president George H.W. Bush, you ask people to read your lips. It’s what you do!” GEICO is pressured to get this ad out quickly, as we can all see that HW’s time is coming and coming fast.
- OJ Simpson – Now that he’s out of jail, someone has to get the Juice back on the TV screen. GEICO’s in a race with Monday Night Football to do so. The current draft is that OJ’s at a Marshall’s or TJ Maxx or similar store at the glove rack, putting on and removing pair after pair. The VO is “If you’re OJ Simpson, you try on gloves! It’s what you do!” This may be controversial, but once State Farm picks up Phil Spector for a spot in May, the race for edgy celeb-based insurance advertising will be on.
As always, GEICO will keep us guessing and we’ll never know for sure what they’re about to do. Keep your eyes peeled during the Super Bowl and NCAA Men’s Basketball championship, as they’re sure to unveil a few new spots to have us begging for more car accidents and thus more insurance while they have our eyes already.