Before his time as the leading guy on whatever TV show they have on at the gym all the time, Tucker Carlson was a common guest on the long running Shock Jock Talk Radio Program I just made up, “Chunky and the Slime Rat”.
Recently, the Joe Bush dot Net research team has excavated a series of Carlson’s shocking comments. Since the audio is exclusively stored on cassette tape and the USB port on my Walkman does not seem to be present, I’ll be forced to present this all to you via transcription.
June 7th, 2006
Chunky: Okay, Tucker, let’s get to chatting, you’ve got a bone to pick this week with regards to types of ham
Tucker Carlson: Well I’m trying to determine what’s really ham, Chunk
C: I don’t quite understand, Tucker, it seems kinda obvious what ham is
Slime Rat: Are you talking about SPAM, Tucker?
TC: Well, that’s one of ’em. That’s what I’m trying to determine though, how much is there? How many? I think if I’m gonna bite into a ham I wanna know which one I’m biting into.
C: So you just wanna determine what ham is?
TC: Yeah, I’m thinking about a database, or a ham encyclopedia or something along those lines. That’s my next project, it’ll be coming out as soon as I get the research done, that’s what I’m working on.
SR: Is that what you called us about, Tucker?
August 14th, 2004 –
C: So you don’t believe it, the rib thing?
TC: I’m not saying I don’t believe it, I’m saying it doesn’t matter. If mister Manson wants to, y’know, y’know, do…
SR: Fellate himself
TC: Yes, fellate himself, that’s what I mean, if he wants to do that he should be able to, rib or no rib.
C: What are you saying, Tucker?
TC: I’m saying any one of us can fellate ourselves however we may please right now, rib or no rib. It’s just biology, we’ve all tried it!
September 10th, 2001 –
TC: What I’m saying here is this – If my neighbor’s kid, absolute scumbag, riding his – what’s that called, it’s like a bike but there’s no seat, it’s one of the new things you see kids riding
C: A Razor Scooter, Tucker?
TC: Yeah, yeah, one of those, riding his Razor Scooter up and down my driveway, I think it’s within my legal right to threaten him to get him off of my property. Now – I’m not gonna pull out my rifle, but there’s a katana right above my fireplace mantle.
SR: This is a child, right? What, like 13-14 years of age?
TC: Little younger, but yeah, he’s a kid
SR: And you wanna chase him with a sword?
C: A Samurai sword, Tucker?
TC: An antique katana, yes. A gendaitō, specifically. Professionally sharpened. It’s my right to defend my property under the first amendment, and I think I’m gonna use it on this scummy little rat and his dumb Razor Scooter
September 12th, 2001 –
TC: I’m saying it’s like a soup, or a pudding, or something of the sort, really is what I’m saying. You wouldn’t get mad at someone for eating pudding, and that’s the same thing basically
SR: Pudding and soup are the same thing? Or…
TC: Pudding and Mayonnaise are the same thing. Mayonnaise is just pudding if they made it with egg instead of milk. You can’t prove me wrong on this, Chunk
C: I’m really, I’m not… I’m really not sure that anyone’s in a state of mind to debate you right now, Tucker
TC: See, that’s what I’m saying. It’s not a debate, it’s just a social norm. Who can tell me why this norm developed? Nobody. It just happened, and now people look at me weird when I eat mayonnaise right out of the jar. Show me where in the law books that it says I can’t do that.
April 4th, 2008 –
SR: Alright, so your list is, what, adult Nala’s at the top… than what?
TC: Well… I’m into the teapot mom from Beauty & the Beast, personally. She’s up there. I’m also into the Aristocat, uhh…
C: Duchess? The cat?
TC: Yeah, the white one, the white cat. She’s probably third
C: Alright, so thank you once again, Tucker, for giving us the top three sexiest anthropomorphic Disney film characters, we wanted to ask you about your thoughts on the mortgage crisis, but we’ll have you on next week and I suppose we’ll talk about it then.
TC: Pleasure, guys