Things I Will Put in Virtual Reality Once I Have the Means, Funds, and Ability to Do So

For those of you out of the loop, the Oculus Rift premiered this week! We are now in a different world, one where the line between actuality and virtual reality is drawn by a giant thing you have to put on your face. I’ve beaten Teleroboxer over 200 times and I tried to petition my local hospital to surgically graft a Tiger R-Zone to my face in 2002 though they didn’t want to risk a malpractice suit, so I’d say I’ve been ready for the virtual revolution since the beginning of my life.

Vortex V3

You don’t know “lucid dreaming” until you pass out in one of these bad-boys

My issue today is that I don’t have the money, or the resources, or the talent to do so. So, consider this a “kickstarter” of sorts. That is, if you like any of these ideas, feel free to give me five dollars and maybe I’ll put forth the effort to do something someday. Do not steal my ideas they are Copyright of Joe Bush On the Web Enterprize 2016

Some Sort of Virtual Island that Takes the Place of Your Real Home

Alright so this is like you just walk out of a charming little bedroom and hang out on a virtual beach. Kind of like that guy from the Oculus Rift was on the TIME magazine cover, except this one’s in low-fi. It’s Koopa Troopa Beach from Mario Kart 64. That’s what I want. I want to live on a low-fi beach until I die and I won’t have to face the CVS staff again after the Tostitos Queso incident.

palmer

I thought it was weird how they had him take his shoes off but still kept the cord in the shot

Getting Yelled-At Simulator

Nothing better than that sweet, sweet feeling of losing the trust of someone you care about and having their emotions fly back into your face at amazing speed and volume. Several settings – Your boss at the McDonald’s, your dad after you pushed the lawnmower down a hill to “see what it looked like”, a teacher who thought you had potential, and even your football coach who assumes this will be something you’ll look back upon fondly in a few years when you can’t cry in front of a loved one but you know the value of “tough love”. It’s all there, all the classic hits of “Getting Yelled-At” coming straight to your eyeballs through Virtual Reality!

Awkward In-class-where-teacher-calls-on-everyone-and-you-haven’t-really-done-the-reading Experience

It’s the closest thing to a firing squad in American education. You know you should know something about where the name “Carolingian” comes from, or who “Thomas R. Marshall” was, but you don’t, and let’s face it, you’re just hoping not to get called on. With a VR headset, you can aggressively not make eye contact and pretend to be taking important notes and actually drawing pictures of ducklings in Real Time! Feel the tension as you get the question “and what part of the animal was Aldo Leopold focused on when he watched it die…[YOUR NAME, drawn from a bank of over 337 real names!]!” and you’ll have to answer. Get it wrong and you’ll get either the confused huff or the shrug and attempt to turn it into a correct answer from your professor.

R-Zone man

The Bible

 

It’s the top selling book of all time and what better way to experience it than with your own eyes? Stare face to face with a serpent, take the bite of the apple, resist Satan, read the family trees of like 300 people for an hour, meet Judas himself, it’s all there in The Virtual Bible.

The Role Play Server from Half-Life 2: Deathmatch That Started in 2002 But Like Seven Dudes Have Kept Up With

They’re all millionaires in their fake money in their fake economy, they’ve got fake jobs, and they’ve got the best weapons. You’ve got a crowbar and a fleeting interest. Except now you can see it in real time through your own eyes for like ten minutes before you go actually have fun with the game you bought.

Virtual Me

This is actually me in 2010 btw

The Authentic Being at A Sporting Event Where You’re Not Really as Intense as Everyone Else Experience

Okay, real talk here. I was at a basketball game in January. During a part of the second half, some guys around me sat down for a few minutes during a timeout or something. Someone like ten rows behind me started yelling “HEY! We don’t do that here! Not here! Not us!” It was the most awkward moment for me, because I wasn’t sitting down, and I didn’t really feel like sitting down but I all of a sudden became the intense focal point of a debate. If I were to sit down, I’d be taking the side of those sitting. If I were to remain standing, I’d be taking the side of someone who won’t let us sit down because we enrolled here. I pretended that I didn’t hear them and hoped that nobody noticed my fence-sitting. Or, fence-standing. Whatever.

Now with Virtual Reality, you can experience the real creeping dread of standing next to someone screaming death threats at the star player of his favorite team while you stand silently with your own eyes and ears. You can stand and clap your hands but not sing along to the songs you don’t know. You can pretend you don’t see the guy next to your trying to high-five you after a dunk. Now this is all possible with Virtual Reality.

“Scott’s Tots”: The Game

Hey Mr. Scott, What’cha Gonna Do? What’cha Gonna Do? Make Our Dreams Come True! Feel all of this in real time. I actually have only seen this episode once in my life and I never want to watch it again.


 

Other Ideas that Might Maybe Exist But I’ve Only Thought of the Title So Far

Still Image of Charles Barkley

Reading Erotica on a Train Sim

Upton Sinclar’s “The Jungle”

Some Kid Tells You How Good Bohemian Rhapsody Is for Ten Minutes

Panda Express Menu


If you like what you see here, please let me know, and send me five dollars or buy me something off of my Amazon Wishlist, please.

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About Joe Bush

The guy behind JoeBush.net and a lot of other things
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