This was the last day that the Kansas Jayhawks won a football game. Looking back at these highlights, it seems so very long ago. To a certain extent, that’s because it was really long ago. Over a full year. After that game, I don’t remember exactly what I was feeling. I remember what other people were feeling, judging by this:
But otherwise, I don’t remember much. I remember we got scrutinized by fans of more successful teams because our fans poured onto the field and tore down the south endzone goalpost. That happened my freshman year (2013) as well, but more people complained last year. They didn’t get to complain about that this year, and I don’t know if they’re happy about that or not. One one hand, KU didn’t win any games, but on the other, they didn’t get the chance to Yell at College Students (to be fair, there was The Incident, so I guess they did get their fill of Yelling at College Students in.
Next year might be different. We have reason to believe it would be different, at least. You never expect a new coaching regime to come in and do well, and it’s always a surprise when they do. I don’t know how many people expected Florida to be playing in the SEC Championship game this weekend at the beginning of the year, for instance, since they were dealing with a coaching change. Most of the time, that first year is rough. In fact, the best first year of any KU coach since the ’80s was Terry Allen’s 5-6 record in 1997. Mangino and Mason couldn’t crack two wins in their first year. Beaty’s the first guy to go winless in his first year since 1954, since Eisenhower was in the White House, since Joseph McCarthy was in the senate, et cetera, et cetera, it’s been a long time.
These were the results of 1954. Scores like these look familiar this year.
Perhaps some day, fifty one years from now, some other college-age guy is going to post on his low-tier personal website (will we even have low-tier personal websites in 2066?) about the 2015 season and how the team rebuilt itself from a winless start. Or maybe it’ll be different, and he’ll show how that year started the longest winless streak in college football history (I don’t think we’ll hit that, by the way, I’m guessing there’s 2 wins next year). Or maybe he’ll recollect on the 2015 season, and how the guy writing on this low-tier personal website had an open Greek Yogurt container on his desk, and back then, Greek Yogurt was something you could buy at the store – It came in so many flavors, too! You could be upset that they didn’t have strawberry yogurt and you’d have to buy a different type of yogurt- It was a different time, back before milk prices rose up to $23 after the dairy shortage.
Of course, now, it feels really bad and I don’t want to look back at it at all. I can’t reminisce on anything from this year. The Jayhawks played like 3 games where they were competitive. I can’t imagine that I’ll look back on my memories of any games like I do those in 2003 and 2005 with any fondness. I mostly remember wanting to go home around the third quarter in just about every game. This year was so full of emotional lows that I really can’t think of what following a good football team would be like. Hopefully I get that, someday, but for now, it’s just going to be emotional numbness.
It’s going to be emotional numbness, sitting and waiting for another season nine months away, knowing that it probably can’t get that much better.
It’s going to be sadness, watching other teams and fanbases enjoying their December football, regardless of how meaningful a game between a team at 6-6 and one at 5-7 is or isn’t.
It’s going to be jokes, all four or five of them that college football fans can come up with: KU is bad, KU fans tore down the goalposts three times in a season ten years ago, KU hired Charlie Weis, KU has a good basketball program and it takes attention away from the football program, and Mark Mangino was tubby. There have not been many new ones.
It’s going to be criticism of the fans from people who don’t understand the situation and won’t be bothered with doing so anyway.
I promise this video makes sense in context later.
There was a point on Saturday where I thought about what it would be like to support a team that wasn’t 0-12. It must be nice. I’m probably (read: definitely) going to attend a graduate school after I graduate from here, and it might have to be somewhere else. I’d probably go to games if I had to continue schooling somewhere else, I mean, it’s something to do on a weekend, and if the team’s good, that’s just a bonus. At a certain point, I imagined myself wearing a sweatshirt from another school and clapping along to a different fight song, and sitting amongst a bunch of other students and making myself a dedicated fan.
But that’s when everything checked out: I could never call myself ‘dedicated’ to any team other than the Kansas Jayhawks after this season. Not after 0-12.
That would be living a lie.
I’m in the band, so I was in attendance for all seven home games and one away game. That’s understandable – The thing is, I made a point to pay attention to the other four. I went to a bar twice to watch games because my cable package didn’t carry them. I sat in my living room and watched KU get dismantled by Iowa State, listened on the radio as Willis got sacked on the last play against TCU. I put myself through that because I cared about the 2015 Kansas Jayhawks and brought myself back every time even after every loss.
So there’s nobody else – No Other Club – that I could go to after this season. It’s a sad place to be in after this year, and all I’m holding on to is the idea that it might get better.
That was me on Halloween night in 2003. This is the earliest instance of me, Joseph James Bush of Dot Net, expressing my existence as a KU fan that can be accessed online (if you’re friends with my dad on Facebook, or I guess are reading this post). I still have the jersey.
That was a post I made on Facebook in 2008. That was the first example of me stating my fandom of the Kansas Jayhawk’s Football Team in words.
I am wearing a Jon Cornish jersey in this video from April 7th of 2008. And yes, I have only regressed from the way I looked in 2008, you don’t have to remind me. (Also, the description for this video might be the first example of being critical of myself online)
This is the first tweet signifying my allegiance to Kansas, either as a state or as a university. It is critical, which is to be expected.
And, finally, that’s my hat from the KU homecoming parade in 2013, wherein a bird just flat out shit upon it. There is, perhaps, no better image for my experience with KU football since I arrived at the University of Kansas in August of 2013. I have attended every home game that the Jayhawks have played, and three away games during that time, and I have witnessed with my own two eyes a full six victories by these Jayhawks to this point in early November. I do not predict many more before I graduate. I would guess that there’s one win next season, but only because I know it’ll be against Rhode Island next year. I’m not even that sure about that either.
My point is this: This program is in a state of disarray. My question is this: Why do I continue watching? If you ask anyone, basically, you’ll get the same response.
It Might Get Better Someday
My dad was the same age that I was the last time that the Kansas City Royals won the world series. He had to wait another thirty years, through five presidential reigns, two Star Wars reboots, and the escape of the Rainforest Café from our local mall to see another one. It takes time for it to get better, and, you know what? It just might. But that’s the thing – Time. Everything takes such a long time. By the next KU victory, I will have at least gone a full year, probably nearly two, without having seen one. Am I prepared to wait that long?
Well, that’s the great thing about time, it doesn’t matter if I’m prepared to wait that long – I’m going to have to wait that long.
I know there’s talent out there, sure. I’ve seen it in motion, there’s some good talent at receivers, especially amongst sophomores and freshmen, and Ryan Willis seems to be a player who can throw the ball, and Ke’aun Kinner is actually really good, many of these defensive linemen have serious talent. We can hope that this recruiting staff can bring some talent in as well, seeing as they’ve brought in like 50% of the successful players this year.
So there’s a start right there. So often, I hear “untalented” or “undeveloped” as a description of this team, both of which are things we can still blame on the last coaching staff and the youth of these players.
KU Football fans are constantly looking backwards. You can’t go over a week on Twitter without hearing about the 2007 season, or how well Aqib Talib and Chris Harris are doing in the NFL. I’m tired of hearing about past success – So I’m now looking to the future and determining what I would consider reasons for optimism with this team.
THE 2015 SEASON
I have some reasons to be optimistic already with this team. All I have at the moment is optimism, to be fair, but I have something (I stated all of those somethings about three paragraphs ago) to be excited about. Back in August, I had basically nothing to point to, and I can list a few things off this month!
Like I was saying, there’s already something to be excited for. But what could make the season at least somewhat positive? Getting a win. At the time of writing this, there are three games left on the schedule: TCU is going to win, so we’ll get that out of the way.
West Virginia might be a different story. For the next two weeks, I can say that Kansas has never lost to West Virginia at home and put it in boldface every time. They have a great offense, but their defense leaves a little bit to be desired. They’re pretty firmly in the middle of the pack, below the top-4 tier, but above the the third tier of K-State, Iowa State, and Texas. They sit right next (and play very similarly) to Texas Tech, a team that really struggled in Memorial Stadium. I’m not saying that sort of lightning will strike a second time, because West Virginia seems to be genuinely competitive and was able to hold Texas Tech’s offense down last week. And you don’t come into FOOTBALL HELL as West Virginia and expect to win, because, as I’ve said before, Kansas has never lost to West Virginia at home.
The last game is Kansas State. They’re not as good this year as they were last year, judging by the way that they’ve lost five straight games and are flirting with missing bowl eligibility (and they go to Lubbock this weekend, which can mean literally anything – The better team doesn’t seem to win in Lubbock, regardless of if that team is Tech or not). If K-State comes into Lawrence with a record of 4-6 to play a Kansas team at 0-11, there’s a huge motivation for KU to come out with the victory (assuming ending a season Not Winless isn’t enough of one) and keep K-State out of a bowl game for the first time in years. I personally doubt that this happens, but I’ve pointed out before that it’s hard for me to do that.
After the South Dakota State game, I said that I really just wanted a team that would try really hard to compete as much as possible. This has been a competitive team in certain games, and they just need the right number of breaks to happen for a victory.
IDEAL POSSIBLE RECORD: 1-11
THE 2016 SEASON
How do you best recover from a winless season? I look to the last Power-5 team to do so, Washington, for the answer. In 2009, they went 5-7. I don’t expect that from KU, but I can look at the schedule and try to pick something out. Anticlimactically, I predict that David Beaty’s first victory is against Rhode Island next year. Rhode Island is very bad this year in the FCS, with only 1 victory. Hopefully KU can come out, play well, and show the crowd what they can be optimistic about. After that, I don’t know where to go. They get an Ohio team probably coming off of a mediocre season at home. Memphis will likely be in its post-Fuente state when KU comes to town, but it’s still on the road, and there has been exactly zero road success for KU since 2009. Iowa State will be at home and either between coaches or still with Paul Rhoades, either of which would be a reason for some hope. Three wins would be very surprising, but it’s not totally impossible in my mind.
Really what I would want to see the most here is the development of the current Freshman talent to a higher level. Some of the best players in recent KU history have had breakout sophomore years, like Clark Green & Nick Reid (2003), Aqib Talib (2006), Todd Reesing (2007), James Sims (2011), and Ben Heeney (2012). I think it will still be a few years off for the program as a whole to see improvement, but in 2016, seeing Willis, Stephen Sims Jr, Jeremiah Booker, Tyler Patrick, Dorance Armstrong Jr, and Ryan Schadler showing some sort of improvement would be a good indicator that the coaching staff is doing something right for the future. Also, any improvement on the offensive line, kicking game, and defensive secondary would be good to see as well. I’m not expecting perfection, and, hell, I’m not expecting many wins, but visible improvement would be nice.
Ideal Record: 3-9
Predicted Record: 2-10
THE 2017 SEASON
It’s hard to predict anything two years from now. By that point, we’ll have a new president, we’ll be like fifteen movies into the Marvel comic book film franchise, and maybe we’ll be rid of that huge crane on campus… and maybe Jayhawk Boulevard will be finally finished… and maybe the Touchdown Club will exist.
Speaking of which, I hope that the rumored Memorial Stadium renovation is at least in some sort of motion by this point. The stadium basically needs to be washed on the outside, and could use some sort of decoration somewhere. It doesn’t look quite as daunting as it does boring. I would recommend putting a banner somewhere, preferably over some of the thousands feet of bare gray wall on the outside of the stadium. The banner could say something along the lines of “KANSAS” or “JAYHAWKS” or “EARN IT”, perhaps. I, personally, recommend my own “Memorial Stadium is Football Hell” idea, maybe put some blue flames somewhere, or four big banners that spell out “H-E-L-L” on an outside wall, maybe just constantly run flames on the video board, pitch-shift the announcer’s voice down several octaves, you know how that goes.
Anyway, by 2017, the freshmen whose names I’ve been listing off should be juniors. Juniors, theoretically, are getting to the peak of their college careers. Also, along with them, hopefully, there’s a good group of freshmen and sophomores coming in. This would theoretically be the year where we actually start to see some turn-around. Not a winning season, that’d still be a few years off. But an improving season. Maybe they get a win over a good team, and, hey, this could possibly be the elusive away victory year. I don’t even rule out bowl eligibility for this year at the absolute best, but that would take some immense player development and great recruiting. I look back to this coaching staff’s history of turn-arounds, like OC Rob Likens’ work at Louisiana Tech and Cal. It took a couple of years for those teams to hit some success. Hell, even back when Glen Mason took over in 1988 (a situation actually relatively similar to this one), he didn’t have a winning season until his fourth.
So I’d say in the most ideal situation possible, Kansas ends up with a trip to a bowl game where Philip Rivers keeps passing in the fourth quarter to break a record in a game that will eventually be defunct anyway.
More likely is the losing season with several moral victories and reasons to think “Hey, we’re looking better!”
Ideal Record: 6-7
Predicted Record: 3-9
The 2018 Season
This would be the first season with a full group of players recruited by coach Beaty (I guess the current redshirt Freshmen would have had a year under Weis/Bowen, but, whatever), so 2018 would have to be the first example of how well “The Process” has worked. To compare the 2015 situation to the 1988 situation again, consider the fact that Glen Mason went 6-5 in his fourth season at the helm. That wasn’t good enough for a bowl game in 1991, but it would be in 2018. That’s what I would hope for – Competitiveness throughout the season, and a trip back to a bowl game (and hopefully a good showing in that one.
By this point, I really wonder what the conference makeup will look like. People talk about realignment in the Big XII nowadays like people used to talk about nuclear war during the 1980s. You get the feeling that it has to happen soon. Where would KU go? There’s really nothing concrete to talk about with it – There’s speculation that we’d fit in with the Big Ten mindset. I agree with that idea, and I know that our proximity to Kansas City would go along with the conference’s expansion mindset. I heard a lot of rumors that the Pac-12 would go after the two Oklahoma schools and the two Kansas schools back in 2010. I actually think the rumor that the ACC would go after Kansas after getting Syracuse and Louisville to be along with their traditional basketball schools.
What I would actually guess would happen is that between now and 2018, one big-name Big XII school gets left out of the playoff with one loss due to beating Iowa State on the last week of the season (It would likely be Oklahoma) and cries foul. The conference either goes off and poaches the last remaining few good Group-of-5 schools (Cincinnati has been the popular pick, along with BYU), or the conference totally dissolves. Texas joins A&M in the SEC, West Virginia goes to the ACC, Oklahoma and Oklahoma State go to the Pac-12 together, and the other six are left in the balance. I would hope that the Big Ten goes after KU, it would make sense with every other instance of realignment up to this point. I don’t know if Iowa State would join the Big Ten, though they’re the most obvious location-based choice. I don’t know if Kansas and Kansas State would stay together in the same conference like Oklahoma and Oklahoma State seem to want to. I guess that depends on the desire of the state’s board of regents. I wouldn’t see it as totally impossible for K-State to get picked up by the Big Ten as well.
My main point here is this – I don’t know that we’re going to be in this conference for that much longer, and at least it won’t be the current ten team conference for much longer.
So I don’t know where to look in terms of victories in this season, because they might come against TCU and Iowa State, or Illinois and Minnesota, or North Carolina and Syracuse, or, hell Kentucky and Missouri if it ended up like that.
Speaking of which, I also would predict that we’re playing Missouri in a non-conference setting by 2018. Gary Pinkel has said he’d be willing to rekindle that rivalry, and with Beaty being at KU during the time of the rivalry, and Clint Bowen & Kevin Kane having played against Mizzou during their time in college, I don’t find it hard to believe at all that we could finally get over all that front-office bad blood and put back all the regular bad blood we had in the games. An alternating home-and-home series in perpetuity would be great, like Iowa and Iowa State do, put it on Black Friday, and play it up all year. That rivalry has been missing from both Kansas and Missouri’s programs for years.
Anyway, 2018 is hopefully the year of real turnaround. I don’t know what to think about in terms of anything concrete in four years, but if the recruiting keeps getting better, the scheming keeps getting better, and the team executes, 2018 should be maybe not great, but at least consistently competitive
Ideal Record: 8-4
Predicted Record: 6-6
THE FUTURE
From there, if this turnaround really happens, I hope we can keep the people who made it happen in place. Does Beaty leave like Mason did? Do Likens and Bowen get better jobs (assuming they keep their jobs in the first place)? Is this a springboard program, where a coach can prove his ability and then move up? (This hasn’t happened more than maybe once, when Pepper Rodgers moved to UCLA from KU (and then eventually to the USFL so did he really move up?)
I’m sure we’ll see decent highs again, or, at least, we’ll see the mid-level success and wins over some rivals each season of the Terry Allen era again. I guarantee we’ll see this level of play again at some point, that’s just the type of program this is. Mangino went 2-10 in his first season. Mason went 1-10 in his first season. Beaty will in all likelihood go 0-12 in his first. There’s only been one coach in program history with an overall winning record. There have only been two seasons of 10 or more wins since 1905. This is a program of mild highs and incredible lows, which is exactly what makes those seasons like 2007 and 1995 so memorable – When they happen, we don’t forget.
And when they happen again, we won’t forget.
The Last Thing
When I’ve been asked what the best game I’ve ever attended was, I’m always somewhat torn between four or five games.
There’s K-State in 2004, which was a huge weight being lifted off of the program’s shoulders, and a huge deal to me in elementary school, which I perceived to be probably 40% K-State fans, 30% KU fans, 10% Mizzou fans, and 20% kids who didn’t care. It mattered more than anything else to me at that time.
There’s Nebraska in 2005. That was probably the most fun I had had at a game, people around me were getting all of their beating Nebraska jokes out for the first time in 40 years. It was cathartic, we were finally seeing it after seeing Mizzou, K-State, and Iowa State finally getting their wins over the Huskers in years past. A 25 point rout with a weird score, 40-15. I still remember Kevin Kane sprinting down the sideline and one defensive lineman taking out the Husker’s quarterback to seal the pick-six.
Then, there was the game against the same team in 2007. If you wanna talk catharsis, it was finally dropping 76 on the team that had done it so many times before.
I can’t name any games since 2008 that I would put up among those. Maybe West Virginia in 2013, which felt like the beginning of a turnaround that didn’t ever end up actually happening. Iowa State in 2014 was such a bizarre game, incredibly fun, the ‘Hawks held that game in hand for all 60 minutes, but it was in this weird vacuum of an interim head coaching job, and we knew it couldn’t actually lead to anything because Bowen only had three or four more games at the helm. Hell, I had a great time celebrating that awful 16-13 victory over Louisiana Tech in 2013.
But the game that I’m glad I attended the most was September 2003, at home, against Missouri. Mizzou came in ranked in the Top 25, they were 4-0, and they had Brad Smith at the helm. We had Whittemore. The game ended 35-14, fans on the field afterwards, myself included. I couldn’t understand quite exactly why everyone was as happy as they were after the game. I knew it was a rivalry, I knew it was an upset, and I knew KU was 4-1, but I didn’t know exactly what it meant until years later. With many, but not all, programs, you can find specific momentsandgames to point at and call the turnaround of the program. That game was ours. I was there for that game, and I’m going to be there when it happens again.
Our research team at JoeBush Dot Net has been visiting your local Applebee’s and searching for hidden items they won’t tell you about but for some reason still have the ability to make. These are the things I’ve just told you existed:
Barbecue Smackdown – Applebee’s has a wide variety of meat that you probably didn’t know could be reduced into strips, cooked the way that I guess barbecue typically is, and lain atop one another between two slices of italian bread. Then slathered with authentic barbecue sauce and covered with a unique coleslaw (it’s iceberg lettuce and mayonnaise) for your salivation. Meats included in this item are:
-Corned Beef
-Chicken
-Duck
-Several hot dogs
-Tuna
-Gravel
-Ice
BACONDOWN EPIC BACON BURGER – It’s the Bacon Cheeseburger you know and love, except prepared with five extra strips of bacon. Big Applebee-heads will remember this item from the short-lived BACONATHON promotion of a few years ago, which was scrapped due to three strokes within one night – February 18th, 2012, or “Black Saturday” to the front office, officially ended this item’s existence. Most places still know how to make it, though.
Bowl of Mayonnaise – All you have to do is ask for a bowl of mayonnaise. You’ll get a bowl of mayonnaise.
James and the Giant Peach Tea – Applebee’s James and the Giant Peach promotion won hearts over in 1996. Other entrées, such as “The Titular Giant Peach”, “James’ Taco Platter Like his Mother Made Before She Died” and “Plate of Fried Rhinocerous Meat” have been lost to time, but most locations still have the ridiculous 72-oz mugs bearing the face of Richard Dreyfuss’ Mr. Centipede character somewhere in the back because they’re made of a type of plastic impossible to recycle and illegal to put in a landfill.
Any Food Item From a Can Still in the Can – Products such as green beans, creamed corn, salsa, and nacho cheese can be requested as “still canned” and they will be brought to your table with an opened can held over a bunsen burner so you can keep your food to the optimum temperature.
All You Can Eat Ground Beef – Crumbly, delicious ground beef in a bowl. Once your bowl is finished a server will return with a scoopful of ground beef and replenish the bowl. They will not honor refusals.
Taco Meltdown – Ask for one of this and they’ll just slather your Chicken Wonton Tacos in sweet, synthetic Nacho Cheese. And you’ll put it down your fucking gullet just like everyone else.
YOU’RE GONNA EAT THIS BACON- 36 Strips of Bacon on a plate. Coincidentally also discontinued on Black Saturday. 2012 was a different time.
Asparagus S’mores – Effectively the same thing as the Churro S’mores, except with fried asparagus instead of churros to dip in the s’mores dip.
Grease – They’ll put it in or on whatever you want
Special Birthday Song – Say “I don’t have a birthday” to your server and five of them will come stand around you and chant the Classic Applebee’s Birthday Song at you backwards, then deliver you the Pentagraham Cracker Hot Fudge Meltdown on a plate that Never Cools Down.
You Want A Sundae you Big Piece of Shit? Well Here – Two 32 oz. bowls, one of Vanilla Ice Cream, and one of Applebee’s patented Hot Fudge recipe, and then another 64 oz. bowl for mixin’. $32.99
The Applebee’s Hot Dog – Feel free to order this but don’t ask where it came from if you want to be allowed in again.
The Potluck – Try ordering this at around 11:30 PM for the best luck. It’s whatever they didn’t put into the food from earlier in the day, somehow put together. I tried it on Black Saturday and got four Mozzarella Sticks, about half of a plate of Spinach Artichoke Dip, a scoop of vanilla ice cream, and 218 strips of bacon. Yesterday yielded fifteen Pickle Crispers dusted with the crumbs from a Sundae Meltdown swimming in a bowl of cold Potato Skin Soup.
When I was growing up in the mid ’00s, intimacy in pop music was discussed only metaphorically in songs like Hips Don’t Lie (Pelvic Gyration) Promiscuous (NBA point guards), Temperature (Temperature), and London Bridge (I have literally no idea/Architecture).
Prior research indicates that the 1990s were a little more straightforward. Yet, still, the actual act of… uh… Joe Bush Dot Net is Not Quite a Family Website… uh… just listen to this song
I purchased five imported Now That’s What I Call Music CDs in the summer of 2013. I do not know why I did this, but it opened me up to an entire different world (read: different country) of music. The UK charts seemed to be more open towards dance music judging by my limited research coming from owning five compilation CDs ranging from 1994-1997. While Technotronic, 2 Unlimited, and Snap! All had relative success in the States, they stuck around for longer in the UK for some reason. Personally, I believe that if you create “Rhythm is a Dancer“, you deserve to have five or six more hits, but I was not alive during this period of American culture, so I know not why. It’s probably because of the huge success of jazz after president Clinton’s saxophone solo. Also I guess Hip Hop and Grunge or something else took up that place.
Anyway, here’s this song, “Think of You” by Whigfield, the only popular song I’ve ever heard that has used the term “I want you inside of me”. The first time I listened to it (which was yesterday), I had to ask myself if I had actually heard the lyrics that I actually heard. “I need your body” isn’t that risqué, and it’s been in at least one ortwosongs in history. But that lyric is the only time… Actually, you know what, I’m gonna stop writing this paragraph.
Metaphor and leaving things to the imagination are building blocks of musical lyricism. Leaving nothing to the imagination, on the other hand, doesn’t get enough respect in popular music.
The #FakePuntAlert award watch list is updated by week and will only be decided once all football is finished in these great United States of America for the 2015-16 season in the professional, semi-professional, collegiate, high school, etc. environments. To date, nobody in the NFL has tried a real fake punt.
UTAH
Opponent: Oregon
Score: Utah – Very Many, Oregon – Very Few
Result: Blowout Victory
It’s really funny when a team as generally good as Oregon loses to a team like Utah, who we could see possibly upsetting them in Lake City (I very recently learned that I am unaware of the geography of Utah) in a close game, but instead loses to them at home. It’s also very funny when a team like Utah runs a fake punt when up by so many points, also look at that punter go! He’s got speed and actually looks pretty afraid to use it. The added bobbled snap just adds to it, it was so close to being disastrous but ends up being a first down. I’m just guessing the long snapper had some nerves and put some extra strength on the snap that he didn’t need to. On top of all of that, there’s the fact that this was actually a re-kick due to an ESPN SkyCam wire.
Neat fact about the SkyCam wire: Allegedly one of the people I know in the Marching Jayhawks got hit by the SkyCam one of the last times ESPN came to Memorial Stadium. It’s deadly.
RATING: 8/10 – There’s just so much to like about this fake punt. It’s kind of the nail in the coffin for an Oregon team that’s always had good special teams.
WEST VIRGINIA
Opponent: Maryland
Score: WVU – 38, Maryland – 0
Result: Yeah Maryland didn’t come back
When you think of classic Big XII – Big Ten matchups, you think of games like Michigan and Texas in the 2004 Rose Bowl, or Kansas State and Purdue in the 1998 Alamo Bowl, or, hell, why not West Virginia and Maryland this year. This would’ve been Big East vs ACC in 2011. No amount of realignment can apparently stop West Virginia really not wanting to give up the ball on fourth down up by five touchdowns at home.
So far this season, every successful fake punt has followed the “TAKE IT AND RUN” method of fake punting – The punter takes the ball and runs. So far, no fumblerooskies, no ill-fated passes, and no direct snaps to a fullback. Good to see these punters getting exercise. A 38-0 fake punt is absolutely unnecessary and probably unsportsmanlike – However, I can guarantee you that coach Holgorsen ain’t care.
RATING: 6/10 – I mean, come on. Good job, but you don’t have to do that, now.
This is what would happen if that West Virginia fake had failed. You’re up 31-0 on a team that’s supposed to beat you and you run the fake punt in the second half, then you fail? What’s the point, even. If they made this, you’d see “WACKY COACH JIM HARBAUGH RUNS FAKE PUNT IN THE SECOND HALF AGAINST BYU UP 31-0?????” But instead, they failed, and I had to search through this whole game via ESPN’s terrible website to film this failed fake on my cell phone.
RATING: 2/10 – I respect the effort but it’s ultimately meaningless. If I had to record it, it can’t be that great.
Memphis is 4-0. Undefeated at the moment thanks in part to this fake punt. I’m going to give credit to the fake punt, at least. Very little creativity in this one, much like in almost every other instance this week, but still, good job – This game was won by three points, and this fake led to three points.
RATING: 6/10 – Both teams scored at least two more touchdowns after this so I won’t say it really turned the game around for the Tigers, but good job nonetheless.
This was technically a fake field goal, therefore DISQUALIFIED for the #FakePuntAlert award, but it was run by a punter, and HE HURDLED A MAN
HE HURDLED A MAN, THEN STARED HIM IN THE FACE, AND TOOK A SWING AT THE AIR SURROUNDING HIM. The defender stepped back to attempt to draw a foul (at least he didn’t hold his face) but did not receive one, and I choose to believe that’s because this punter would ascend to a higher plane of existence in his rage had it been called back, the dome would’ve been destroyed, and LSU probably still would’ve won by ten.
RATING: N/A – Look, this is a fake field goal. If I rated fake field goals as well as punts, I’d be here all day. In terms of football entertainment, it’s a 9/10 at least.
Though the NFL has seen no fake punts by the punting team up to this point, it has seen a few of the reverse fake punts, wherein the receiving team uses the sleight of hand to gain an advantage. I respect these, but do not consider them in these features.
CURRENT #FAKEPUNTALERT AWARD LEADER: TIE BETWEEN UCONN and UTAH
People who watch my videos know I have kind of a fetish for the fake punt (and it’s not just in these videos. The overpowered EA Sports fake punt joke started way back in the Madden 2002 franchise from the first part of this year). Each week, generally one or two gutsy (read: desperate) coaches choose to take their chances on fourth down and catch the opposing team off guard. Sometimes, these work well. Sometimes, these work far too well.
Sometimes you hire Charlie Weis and he does this.
The fake punt, unlike the fake field goal, is unique because it so rarely leads to an immediate touchdown. When it does, it’s amazing, but typical fake punts are only called with 50+ yards between the line of scrimmage and the goal line. The ideal fake punt only staves off death, hardly ever brings prosperity. It typically puts a man whose job is either only to stand still and kick OR only to stand in block into playmaking position. Whether it’s a quick scamper leading to a 130 pound man running full-speed into a 300 pound wall of human flesh, said 300 pound human motoring his 300 pound body at a top speed, a man whose career is built upon his right leg using the strength of his arm, some bizarre combination of all of these, or just, whatever, I don’t know, the fake punt is the definition of leaving the comfort zone – When a fake punt is called, the rules change, the world changes, everything is wrong.
So far in 2015, I have seen three due to diligent scouting online. There are probably more, sure, but these are the ones that stand out. At the end of the year, the #FAKEPUNTALERT champion will be crowned.
This punter just sorta has wheels. I respect that – When you can beat ’em on your feet, you can take chances like this. Also, when you’re clearly going to lose to a team by 40, you can’t really get scrutinized for taking chances like this. It didn’t lead to anything other than making this blowout a little less blowout, but, still good effort.
Even a good failed-punt-turned-recovered-fake-punt means little if it only leads to a punt. At least get a field goal, or at least get an attempt at a field goal, come on. This is nothing more than a delayed punt, and is thus irredeemable. Even if it gets Verne hyped.
(yeah I know I did it in portrait. I intended for it to be a vine. It won’t happen again)
Opponent: Missouri (Week 3, today)
Score: UCONN 6-2 Mizzou
Result: Later Turnover on Downs (After recovery of later muffed punt)
Okay well this was – Jesus Christ, 6-2? The score was Six Points to Two Points. The game ended up Six Points to Nine Points. Neither team even made a field goal and the end score was 6-9. That’s just horrible. That’s the Lex Luthor stealing Forty Pies of college football. This game was the Bubsy 3D of a college football game – Everything possible that could’ve been done wrong was somehow done worse than you ever thought possible. And yet, it was strangely entertaining. That’s why I can’t rate this fake punt lowly – In the narrative of the game, it’s perfect. Mizzou really looked like they were going to lose this game due to plays like this. This game even ended on the Fake Punt’s cousin – A failed Fake Field Goal. If it weren’t for this fake punt, this game would not have been quite the trainwreck it ended up being. It’s like the watered-down Café Mocha you drink at the gate before your delayed and turbulent flight back home from an interesting place. It still would’ve sucked without this, but it just makes the story more interesting.
RATING: 8/10
Follow @FakePuntAlert for these fake punts tweeted RIGHT TO YOUR PHONE/COMPUTER/E-MAIL INBOX
Joe has woken up from a slumber induced after taking three melatonins in July of 2013. He still desires to give fantasy football advice.
It’s been a while but ever since I’ve awoken from the seemingly never-ending dream of me running through the dungeon boss fight in WarioWare for the Game Boy Advance. I’ve got fantasy football advice still running around my head ever since I took those sleeping pills after I got too jazzed up after my Investment Firm’s Harlem Shake video. Here’s who I’d pick for Week 1!
Quarterback – Robert Griffin III
My god we have a man who might change football as we know it in an organization that supports him and wants him to go out and play. It’s been two years, who knows how much they’ve improved over that NFC East championship in ’12. After surgery I can definitely say two things have happened –
Coach Shanahan has stuck to his guns and the read option has taken over professional football. I would’ve picked the kid from Seattle here but I assume Seattle’s just not a stable franchise anymore. You just can’t lose to Harbaugh and the Niners year in and year out and still compete.
All of those draft picks they traded to St. Louis to get RG3 have not made any sort of impact on D.C.’s success here. Also St. Louis probably got a lot better and will be there forever.
Subway just keeps picking winners
Running Back – Trent Richardson
I can assume the Browns have been better and have succeeded despite their lack of quarterback for the past two years due to the league’s nurturing nature towards an edgy guy who can break tackles and big runs but might not be the best for a few years. He kicked ass in 2012 with the Browns and he’ll be getting them to the playoffs this year.
Wide Receiver – Just Pick Another Running Back
Look, nobody passes anymore. All the best quarterbacks from yesteryear (Peyton, Tom Brady, Roethlisberger, Brees, Rivers, etc.) have grown old and infirm and won’t be winning you or themselves any championships or breaking records any time soon. It’s gonna be primarily screen passes and the read option, so maybe a Ronnie Brown or Danny Woodhead.
Tight End – The Guy who Jumps Down from the Ceiling and Confronts you
He’s been my enemy for the past two years. Two years running through this dungeon and Hearing Only “YOU MUST PAY ME” when he comes down from the ceiling, the brick walls lining my eyes and the ceiling, oh god the black and endless ceiling as if it’s there but it’s really not there, but at the same time it really is, and, and oh god, oh god, he’s back, “YOU MUST PAY” but What Can I Pay? I open my wallet and paperclips come out but he won’t take them. Only paperclips and all my old Middle School ID cards. I have no money on my account for the Bosco Sticks and small cartons of milk he peddles.
I guess is this a thing I’m gonna do every year. Let’s cut out any assumption that I should know what I’m doing. I was half-correct in who would win the Big XII last year. I go to the school with the program that hasn’t won more than one conference game since the Bush Administration. With that glowing self-recommendation, let’s start the preview
1. Baylor (Last Year 11-2, #ONETRUECHAMPION)
I love how I’m still pretty sure this team will be good despite the fact that I don’t know the name of their quarterback. That’s only half my fault. I’m not doing research here. Expect them to throw for a billion yards, choke on the road somewhere, and narrowly defeat TCU on Black Friday in Fort Worth, then probably lose in the Fiesta Bowl to Arizona or someone marginally worse than them.
2 FOR REAL THIS TIME.TCU (Last Year 12-1, #ONETRUECHAMPION)
Last year I had them at 8th place in the conference saying “I know literally nothing about TCU” This year I’ve crossed everything out of my mind about them except for this .gif:
and their record from last year. And when they beat the dream season out of Mississippi.
3. Kansas State (Last Year 9-4, Third Place)
Just put ’em at third and wait for whatever to happen. They can survive losing to an FBS team and finish third. They can survive their best coach’s retirement, their worst coach’s hiring, and still get back to being third place. Second? Maybe. First? Sure. Every once in a while, absolutely.
4. Texas (Last Year 6-7, Fifth Place)
I BELIEVE IN CHARLIE STRONG, I think. Their defense should be… good? Their offense should probably be bad, but that defense will probably win them a few games. I would guess that they’ll run up the score on every team that they can run the score up on, and, uh… Actually, anybody notice how young this team is? I had no reason to expect them to be good last year, and yet, they won six games and lost to Arkansas in a bowl game.
5. Oklahoma (Last Year 8-5, Fourth Place)
Remember when they were like Pre-Season number one last year? Use that as a reason to believe that this preview doesn’t mean anything. Previews don’t mean anything. That’s why I don’t lie about my preview, you should only read it because… I’m guessing you’re either bored and starved for someone to tell you your bad team will do well (I should’ve thought about that when I started writing. I would’ve had traffic from that. Let’s retcon this to say that Oklahoma State Will Win The Big XII Title, Mr. Search Engine Optimization), or you’re my dad or something and you’re reading this out of guilt. Oklahoma is Oklahoma and since nobody really expects them to do well, they’ll probably win the conference/lose to Connecticut in the Fiesta Bowl/talk about how good the 2000 season was.
6. West Virginia (Last Year 7-6, Sixth Place)
I had them tenth last year. They’re so far out East that I have no reason to pay attention to them, but they’re gonna come back to Lawrence to take on the ‘Hawks and WE’RE UNDEFEATED AT HOME AGAINST WVU GUYS. But anyway, I’ll just put them here and they’ll probably get another inexplicable home win against an undefeated team and a bunch of couches will burn. 7-5, bowl appearance and loss to like [MID-POWER CONFERENCE TEAM], and someone at each away game will ask if they still have Geno Smith.
7. Iowa State (Last Year 2-10, Tenth Place)
Last. Absolutely, Postively, the last place in the conference last year. However, their early season schedule looks like possibly the easiest in the world (other than Baylor’s), and they probably won’t have any problems getting to 6-6. Really no higher, no lower, just 6-6.
8. Oklahoma State (Last Year 7-6, Seventh Place)
“Miiiiiiiike” calls the void… “Miiiiike Guuuuundy” it says. He could easily walk away from the void if he wholeheartedly wanted to. There’s still a lumb of doubt in his stomach from 6-6 last year, though, and T. Boone won’t like his Instagram pictures. A slow but gaining gravitational pull will begin to overtake him if he doesn’t get away soon. Escape now or join your friends in the Big XII cellar, unlikely to escape unless you’re lucky like Colorado and that nice man from out west pulls you out so you can play with your friends in Utah.
9. Texas Tech (Last Year 4-8, Eighth Place)
I can’t remember the last time the Red Raiders didn’t immensely surpass my predictions so this may as well be a playoff spot prediction as well as a ninth place prediction. I have no reason to think they’ll get back to the sort of success they enjoyed in 2013 because I don’t know exactly what their offense and defense can really do to succeed, and I’m really guessing neither do they. They’re the Big XII’s Portland Timbers, is what I’m saying – It might work, but when it doesn’t, it just really doesn’t. I expect them to ruin at least one team’s season (I’m guessing K-State because that hasn’t happened to them in a little bit) and also be on a downward spiral at some point, losing to someone they’re better than (gonna try not to say I think KU could beat them because then it won’t happen because superstition is real and team quality doesn’t matter as much as whether or not I have confidence in a team on my blog). Fortune Favors the Bold, however, so expect ninth and embrace ninth.
10. Kansas (Last Year 3-9, Ninth Place)
I didn’t think I’d appreciate “Not Last” as much as I did last year. I was just like slightly too happy about “Not Last” last year. “It shows improvement!” I thought. “We’ll get better!” Then everyone went to the NFL Draft and everyone else either transferred or retired or got hurt in the spring game. I want to believe but I also don’t want to be disappointed so I’ll choose to swing low. I’ve heard the doomsday 0-12 scenario many pundits have been peddling, and I get it, but I choose to be a wee bit more optimistic. I’m guessing three wins. I’m hoping three wins. New coach, new system, Tech’s defense is gonna be just weird this season from what I’ve heard, WVU’s defense is WVU’s defense, maybe Oklahoma State crumbles, maybe Iowa State is actually just as bad as we thought, maybe the Air Raid can beat Texas’ plodding Dracula-Bleeding-Out-Keanu-Reeves offense, maybe, I don’t know, random upset, but also nothing this long run-on sentence might happen. I’m gonna have fun watching anyway. I actually do believe in Coach Beaty, he’s a great speaker from what I know in my two interactions with him and hopefully his coaching schemes reflect that, but it’s gonna be a process.
oh god I feel bad about that paragraph
Anyway this season’s looking good for everyone and I hope we all have a good time, get some fresh air, and hopefully SOMEBODY gets to the playoffs, and there’s actually One True Champion.
I played like two games in the past two weeks due to injury
tendinitis is hell
One was Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater (PS1): First Appearance, I think
See that thumb? I can’t move it. Well, I shouldn’t move it. So I don’t. Which means I can’t play many games if any at all basically, which means I really can’t play video games using a controller. By that I mean, I really can’t play video games using a controller in a universe in which I’m not unstoppable and don’t have an indomitable spirit. I beat THPS on the PS1 using my index finger on the PS1 D-Pad. It’s hard. Also, the PS1 version of THPS isn’t nearly as easy and playable as the Dreamcast version, specifically the secret tape in San Francisco, where you basically have to keep your special meter full all the way up a building to a rooftop, which doesn’t make sense to probably 80% of people reading this so just understand it’s hard. (80% would imply that at least five people are reading which might be an optimistic guess)
The major teachings I experienced here were either that I have no self control or that it’s hard to play video games using only your index finger on the D-Pad. Probably both.
also Star Wars: The Phantom Menace (PS1): First Appearance, Definitely
This is just as bad as I remembered when I bought it in 2011 because I guess I wanted to review it? My PS1 collection has virtually no continuity as I purchase primarily either great games or awful ones, both of which I want to have fun with, and a litany of sports games because that’s like half of the library. Still, next to Patriotic Pinball and Felony 11-79, Phantom Menace is a standout in my PS1 collection for just having no reason to be in my collection.
While that was a skeleton version of the update, do not blame my skeleton. It is healthy as can be. Do blame the ligaments and tendons that put the skeleton together. The humanized version of that skeleton is terrifying so don’t try to imagine what it would look like or how it would look if it were dejected because you blamed my lack of game playing on it.
So I didn’t do an update last week due to not being in town, and I didn’t do one this week due to not being in town last week and thus not playing many (or any) video games at all. Basically just Desert Golf and I tried to run RealMYST on and off for like an hour on my Dell, but the internet connection wasn’t good enough for Steam or something. Don’t ask for specifics, I don’t know them. There is no point to trying to troubleshoot what happened last Wednesday where I was stuck at a dorm at Michigan State University using public Wi-Fi because that situation will never happen again.
Anyway, I downloaded Castlevania: Symphony of the Night on to my PlayStation Vita back in May (I figured out what the Vita is for. It’s Tearaway and PS1 games) and started really getting into it on a ten-hour ride back from Michigan. If you’re wondering why I didn’t start playing this game until three months after I purchased it, blame the fact I downloaded Suikoden at the same time.
Typically, I have a short attention span and somewhat short temper (not a real “temper” per se, I don’t break things, I just quit) for more than moderate amounts of challenge in my games. Something about Symphony of the Night, possibly just the fact that I only had the ability to play Symphony of the Night but I assume something more, kept me coming back past the point where I’d quit in a lesser game. I think it’s the atmosphere of the castle.
I’m into games that keep you confined to one major structure. Well, I’m into the two games I can name that do that (SOTN and Super Mario 64). Over the course of the game, one travels back through every level at least a couple of times. It’s almost learning and living somewhere – what starts out as confusing becomes familiar over time. Once the leveling-up starts, there’s no stopping a player from easily getting anywhere. Yet, outside of the scattered warps, the castle’s hallways are still required to be navigated to find most places. This would be a detriment in many games, but it’s not a problem for the most part here. As previously stated, the few warps take some time off the trip. Getting to the location from there gets easier and easier as time goes on, as Alucard gains levels. Fights against formidable enemies become one or two-hit affairs. You don’t just see the progression, you can feel it.
These ones in particular
To continue a trend of mine wherein I use a quote by a friend of mine to make my own writing seem better, when Clay played SOTN in 2013, he stated that the whole exploration and re-exploration aspect wouldn’t have been enjoyable had it not been for the music. I agree with that – going back to the Marble Gallery and hearing the theme every few hours is a treat, and reminds me of my original mindset going through those areas. You’ll also only see a few non-enemy characters scattered throughout, making the castle feel large, and they’re so completely outnumbered by basic enemies and mini-bosses that you feel effectively alone. I mean, “feel” is the wrong word, you are alone.
It’s a long game based around one character and few others. The conflict between Alucard and Dracula manifests as a conflict between Alucard and the castle itself, which is the most memorable aspect of the game personally. It’s probably the reason I kept trying over and over again to find just one save point after the fight with the doppelganger boss even after several deaths and several returns to the title screen after repeated viewings of the game over screen.
I WAS ON A BUS THERE WAS NOWHERE TO GO FOR PLEASURE
Joe Bush dot Net 