The Games of January

Posted on February 2, 2016 by Joe Bush

As some people may remember, I used to do a weekly update every Sunday/Monday on this here site. I stopped doing that around August or so because I figured out that people didn’t want to read about the fact that I had played NBA 2K15 every week for the past 3 months and really had nothing interesting left to say about it. I still like writing about games and I’m going to do that on a monthly basis now.

FIFA 16 (XBONE):

Can you believe that I bought an in-season FIFA game for the first time in 2015? Really! Before I bought FIFA 15 last summer, I had only ever played FIFA 96 and 2001, and I had only ever gone after Pro Evolution 2013 before that. This month I broke a number of personal barriers in terms of sports career modes – I finished a full season with a team (first time I’ve ever done that in a soccer game) and I figured out what I’m actually supposed to do most of the time. I still feel lost sometimes just playing as one player, but you get better if you take control of what you’re doing for the most part and I just got better at that. Near the end of the month, I definitely got burned out on this game. It was like hitting a brick wall with the game, and finally looking down and thinking “there are so many things I’d rather do right now than play more FIFA 16.” I hit this with sports games all the time, so I’ll probably pick it back up once the MLS season starts back up. But for right now, I’m sick of FIFA.

Undertale (PC):

I killed Toriel. I didn’t know that I wasn’t supposed to but I did, and now I feel bad, and now the game’s also letting me know that I should feel bad. I uninstalled the game and then reinstalled it after deleting every file on my PC with the word “Undertale” in it anywhere. I don’t like this aspect of the game, but I suppose it’s a cool effect if only I didn’t feel as much guilt as I do over video games. I’m just a little upset with it is all. I get upset when people show that they’re smarter than I am.

Halo: Combat Evolved (XBOX):

I started this back up last weekend for a few hours and I still like it. I think I was just trying to waste time with it, but eventually it started to be something I was legitimately invested in. I hope I can someday reach the end of Halo because I get stuck about 75% of the way through the game every time I’ve ever played it. The first two-thirds or so of the game is one of the best experiences I’ve ever had in a game, and then the Flood come and I start to resent the game more and more. I’ve done that twice before and I don’t want it to happen again. It probably will.

The Beginner’s Guide (PC):

I think I’ve only ever written about The Stanley Parable once. It was one of the games that actually did define early 2014 gaming for me. I always liked comedic games and that game did humor incredibly well. I knew this game wasn’t going to be comedic but I went after it because I wanted that sort of indie storytelling that I enjoyed from Technobabylon and Her Story. I didn’t exactly get that, but I still enjoyed experiencing this. I recommend playing this to everyone because the discussion that would follow would be fun to have, but that’s about as much as I need from it. I like it for the same reason I like Primer, or that multiple universe episode of Community, or basically any piece of art – It’s good quality and it’s fun to talk about your interpretations.

WARNING: SPOILERS (that won’t really make sense unless you’ve started but not finished the game)

Personally, I believe that in the fictional world created by this game, Coda is a real person, and Davie is just a well-meaning but ultimately imperceptive friend. The last level was my least favorite part of the game, but I don’t know what he could have done better with it. Maybe it was just the story that wasn’t compelling to me at the end, but (and I believe this is intentional) Davie (the character, not the actual man) took something that wasn’t about him and made it his own thing. The line of dialogue in the last level where he reveals off-handedly that the house-cleaning game didn’t originally have an ending is the most revealing factor about the game and was probably what stuck with me the most (along with the final puzzle).

I didn’t love it, but it was memorable as hell and I recommend it to everyone.

Klonoa 2: Dream Champ Tournament (GBA):

I like this game a lot. I played it last almost an entire year ago. I bought a Game Boy Advance SP this month amid some complications (I had to return the one I bought because of a defect and have it replaced). For as long as I went between instances of playing it, I feel like I have to clarify that I actually do really enjoy this game. It’s the good type of puzzle platformer where you actually feel like you have to put effort into learning where to go with an already very accessible toolset. I’m to a water-based world now, feasibly the second-to-last world (it being the semi-finals of the tournament as referenced in the title). Hopefully I get to the end and can start a new leaf on my new GBA within February.

VIDEOS RELEASED IN JANUARY

1/1/16 – Donkey Kong Country 2 But on Batteries

1/19/16 – Crazy Taxi But on Batteries

1/24/16 – Sports of the Day 1/24/16: College Hoops 2K6

Posted in Games of..., Monday Update, Uncategorized | Tagged Beginner's Guide, FIFA 16, Halo, Klonoa, Undertale | Leave a comment

Nothing in the Rule Book

Posted on January 12, 2016 by Joe Bush

SCENE: Championship Game, Some Sort of Youth Basketball League of Some Kind

COACH along with CHILD WITH DOG approaches Scorer’s Table

COACH: I got a new team registration here

REFEREE: You expect us to let this team into our tournament?

OPPOSING COACHES approach the table

OPPOSING COACH 1 (the accountant from your office who got sent to jail for unknown reasons but everybody had a guess as to why and all of the guesses were totally plausible): You can’t let that dog in here!

OPPOSING COACH 2 (the ex cop who probably embezzled a ton of money and goes between blaring either Godsmack or Whitesnake out of his SUV): This is a joke! Dog can’t play basketball

COACH (to REF): I’ll handle this. You can look through that entire rule book and we’re clean, we’re not doing anything wrong.

COACH: You can check, there’s nothin’ in the rule book that says a team of five boys can’t bring in outside help from hired goons to hold the opposing coach hostage while two of the five boys hang by their feet from ropes from the ceiling throwing hammers at the other team’s players and when they miss I hand the hammers back to them but when they hit the other team’s players we let them lay there and don’t get them the medical attention they probably require while the tallest of the other three closes his eyes and throws punches while sprinting full speed around the court, meanwhile the other two have buckets full of grease and paint the court with grease so it’s all slick meanwhile I’m standing under the basket fucking the shit out of this dog to distract them from playing the game to an optimal level, thus either scarring them physically or mentally or at least making the floor really slick.

REF looks at Rule Book for 3 Seconds

REF: He’s right! Nothin’ in the rule book that says a team of five boys can’t bring in outside help from hired goons to hold the opposing coach hostage while two of the five boys hang by their feet from ropes from the ceiling throwing hammers at the other team’s players and when they miss the coach hand the hammers back to them but when they hit the other team’s players the team lets them lay there and doesn’t get them the medical attention they probably require while the tallest of the other three closes his eyes and throws punches while sprinting full speed around the court, meanwhile the other two have buckets full of grease and paint the court with grease so it’s all slick meanwhile coach is standing under the basket fucking the shit out of this dog to distract the other team from playing the game to an optimal level, thus either scarring them physically or mentally or at least making the floor really slick. That specific sentence is not in the rule book! You’re clean!

OPPOSING COACH 1 (the jail one, Becky from HR thought it was probably soliciting prostitutes during that Minneapolis business trip and I’m inclined to believe her): Are you kidding me? Are you telling me that there isn’t a rule in the rule book that says while two of the five boys hang by their feet from ropes from the ceiling throwing hammers at the other team’s players and when they miss coach hands the hammers back to them but when they hit the other team’s players they let them lay there and don’t get them the medical attention they probably require while the tallest of the other three closes his eyes and throws punches while sprinting full speed around the court, meanwhile the other two have buckets full of grease and paint the court with grease so it’s all slick meanwhile coach is standing under the basket fucking the shit out of this dog to distract them from playing the game to an optimal level, thus either scarring them physically or mentally or at least making the floor really slick?

OPPOSING COACH 2: This is a Joke! Dog Can’t Play Basketball!

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged jokes | Leave a comment

2015 Game of the Year Countdown #1: Her Story

Posted on January 11, 2016 by Joe Bush

We come to an end here and begin whatever 2016 is supposed to be from now on.

Her Story

I didn’t expect this game to mean as much as it did when I first purchased it. I didn’t expect myself to enjoy it as much as I did, certainly, and I really didn’t know what to think at all coming into it.

There’s a lot that I didn’t expect out of this game. I did expect myself to purchase it because I’m a total sucker for FMV games. I own every game released for the Sega 32x/CD Combo, for instance, and I purchased the TV Movie that Digital Pictures released in 2003. For whatever reason, I really like the use of video in gaming, and I’ll always be interested in any game that makes good use of it (I bought Press X To Not Die this year as well).

Also, before I played this (and before I played Technobabylon), I didn’t think I was into detective games. I completely understand the appeal now, and it was the morning that I played through Her Story that made me figure that out.

It was just one morning, about 2 hours, when I played Her Story. I don’t think I can ever go back and have the experience I had with it again, but I’m glad that I had the experience I did, and like yesterday’s game, I want everyone else to have the same sort of feeling.

At one point during the game, I had to go find a notepad to keep my thoughts straight, to make sure I had key phrases and clues written out for later. That might seem minor but it did significantly put me in the role of the game’s silent protagonist, and the atmosphere helps cement the game’s story so well.

So much of my enjoyment of the game’s story just came from the way that it surprised me. That probably speaks more to the game’s mechanics than the story, but neither would be as effective on its own.

There are a lot of other small aspects of this game that I loved – The acting, the way that you really have to put in effort to enjoy it, the subtlety of the proprietary operating system, and so many other little aspects that stood out so far on that one morning in December.

It’s an experience that – if you really put yourself into it – you will never forget. At least, I haven’t, and that’s what made it worthy of the title of my favorite game of 2015.

Posted in 2015 In Review | Tagged GOTY, Her Story | Leave a comment

2015 Game of the Year Countdown #2: Technobabylon

Posted on January 10, 2016 by Joe Bush

It continues…

Technobabylon

Everyone needs to understand how close I was to putting this at number one. The difference between Technobabylon and the game that will rank number one is incredibly small, and I completely recommend this and whatever game comes up tomorrow.

In a year of excellent stories in games, Technobabylon stands out. Hell, in a landscape of stereotypical science fiction, Technobabylon definitely stands out. I’ve grown tired of so many futuristic science fiction stories, but this one was different – It felt realistic, more hopeful and more plausible than so many others in my experience. You see the natural gap between generations illustrated through changes in technology, analogous to a gap today. You see what feels like a natural future for city population, crime, and personal relationships.

There’s just something nice about a game that sets a story in what feels like a real, possible future. Maybe not one that’s ideal for everyone, but it’s totally realistic and I appreciate that – You can make a great story that doesn’t depend on an archetypical setting by utilizing great characterization like this game does.

I could go on and describe the setting in detail but I think the characters, and more specifically the personal dialogue, is done well and sets up a great storyline with excellent twists. The cast is so diverse and the interactions between them are excellent, the added function of Trance makes it even more complex and interesting, it’s just a really easy world to get lost in at like 11:30 PM and not look up until it’s been three hours and you wanted to get up at 9:30 the next day.

If you’re a fan of point-and-click games and futuristic sci-fi and want a diverse cast of characters (and, as it turns out I didn’t realize until writing this list, detective games), a number of concepts that interest me and I’m sure interest many others, this is the best game for you.

Perhaps it just happened to check several boxes for me (and I bought it on a whim, too, to be fair) but I really enjoyed this game and this story and I want others to have the same great experience.

Posted in 2015 In Review | Tagged GOTY, Technobabylon | Leave a comment

2015 Game of the Year Countdown #3: FIFA 16

Posted on January 5, 2016 by Joe Bush

You get the gist of the countdown by this point. The Tuesday post was late because I was working at a concession stand at a basketball game that went into three overtimes last night, I Know, I am Wrong, I am Sorry.

FIFA 16

The pinnacle of sports simulation in 2015

It’s the stereotypical one sports game that makes it on my list for 2015! This year, it really, really wasn’t NBA 2K. I could write more about what disappointed me about NBA 2K16 in one mode (specifically the one mode I played) than I could on why I like FIFA 16, probably, but that only speaks poorly on anyone who thought You Literally Talk To A Ghost At One Point would be a good part of a basketball game.

EA’s player-specific career mode is a little more barebones than that, and doesn’t have Spike Lee’s endorsement, but where 2K16 didn’t improve very much at all over 2K15, FIFA 16 gave us an impressive jump in quality from 15, a game that was already very high quality.

I said in this video that I was at one point dedicated to Pro Evo, basically up until last year when I realized that Konami didn’t care whether it lived or died. I switched to FIFA over the summer, with the purchase of FIFA 15. Around the same time, I found myself inexplicably drawn to the sport, moreso than I ever had been before. I think it was a mix of having a few really good experiences at Sporting KC games, finding probably one of the few really good Reddit boards, the USWNT’s World Cup run and making friends with people who were really into soccer.

So that’s part of why FIFA stands out this year – soccer stands out this year (I found myself becoming a bigger soccer and college football fan this year despite the fact that logically I would have gravitated towards baseball and far, far away from football). The other reason is because this is an excellent sports sim.

Every good sport has a certain climactic moment. It’s different in almost any sport. I went to a basketball game a few years ago when a last-second shot sank my team. The emotions from that shot are so difficult to describe because it was the ultimate drop in mood from 70% of that auditorium, but an incredible excitement for the other 30%. You couldn’t describe the mood of that room in one word or one sentence because it was such a complex set of emotions that had run over that entire game.

Likewise, I went to a soccer match a few years ago that ran that same gamut of emotions, from an early lead blown to late desperation and penalties to decide the winner of the US Open Cup. I have a hard time trying to describe the feeling the end of that game very well, especially after the way it ended, with a former KC player missing a shot so badly that we assumed it missed the stands behind the goal entirely.

My point with both of those anecdotes is that those moments are hard to recreate properly, but they’re the most important moment in any sporting event. FIFA 16 managed to recreate moments like that with incredible accuracy. In a game in which I was down two goals to none and came back to take the lead, FIFA recreated the palpable rush from the home crowd and crazed celebrations of players. Then, when I promptly gave up a goal to bring the game back even in stoppage time, I could practically feel everything falling out of place, the disappointment, the agony that secretly holds the underlining of all sports together.

And yes, mechanically, this game is better than last year. It’s a really good simulation of soccer, but what’s more impressive to me is the way that it captures the essence of soccer in a video game.

So I am looking forward to what this franchise can bring me in the future. Don’t ruin this, EA.

Also, yeah, EA finally listened and this game became the first sports game to license women’s sports teams since NCAA March Madness 2001, (I guarantee I am the only person to research that) and featured MLS stadia to boot. Hopefully next year we’ll see some women’s club representation as well.

Posted in 2015 In Review, Uncategorized | Tagged FIFA 16 | Leave a comment

2015 Game of the Year Countdown #4: Halo 5: Guardians

Posted on January 5, 2016 by Joe Bush

I continue today at number four. This is how these things typically progress.

A return to form after years of deflected interest

Halo 5: Guardians

A lot of what I’ve heard surrounding Halo 5 was negative, or at least, relatively negative compared to the other games in the series. Since my placing this on the list differs from what many have said, I need to explain my history with the franchise first. Hopefully this will give some insight into why this game stood out for me.

My first Halo was the third in the series, which I received alongside my XBOX 360 in Christmas 2008. I sold that one, but at some point was goaded into purchasing the original from the XBOX Live Arcade (or whatever it was at that point in time). I actually had a better time with Combat Evolved than I did with Halo 3, which prompted me to seek out Halo 2 in around 2011 or so. (I had a copy of ODST and Reach at one point as well if I remember right) I purchased an XBOX One in 2014 with the expressed intent of getting the Master Chief Collection, so I could play the original games online for the first time in a long time. Of course, that game’s online multiplayer was a disaster for a few months, but I got to re-experience those first two games again.

I stuck to those first two games more than I did the later ones for some reason. I don’t have any idea why, but there’s a certain feeling that Halo 5 has that kept me better connected to this game. Whatever intangibles kept me hooked to those first two games felt like they were back for me. When mini-boss fights happened, or when a new room became available to explore, I was excited to continue the fight, not like it was happening too often as I felt with the later games (especially and probably most specifically Reach).

The multiplayer modes managed to change what I wanted to have changed about Halo but kept most of what I enjoyed as well. There was about a solid week where I just played the Free-For-All deathmatch mode and it was legitimately the best online experience I’ve had in a few years (though, to be fair, I don’t play online often)

I know a lot of the response to this game was lukewarm, but this was the perfect Halo for me, especially after years of spinning my wheels with this franchise. Something clicked here that hadn’t over the XBOX 360 generation.

Posted in 2015 In Review, Uncategorized | Tagged Halo 5 | Leave a comment

2015 Game of the Year Countdown #5: Rare Replay

Posted on January 3, 2016 by Joe Bush

I’m counting down my five best games of 2015 starting today at the fifth spot.

Rare Replay

It goes above and beyond what a collection of 30 classics should need to do.

Back around 2003 or so, the game compilation really took off. The DVD finally allowed a company’s entire history to be at the fingertips of the player. I had all three of the Midway Arcade Treasures games, several of the Namco Museums, and both of the functionally identical Sega Genesis collections on the PS2 and XBOX 360. This medium died once we realized that people would pay five dollars for one NES game rather than 40 dollars for 20 NES games sometime around 2007 or so, which is a shame, because it was one of the few game genres (If you can call ‘several games on one disc’ a genre) that I was basically guaranteed to buy. I even bought that way too expensive Super Mario All-Stars rerelease on the Wii.

Rare Replay brought the compilation back at one dollar per title. I would’ve loved this even if the game had just been a menu of thirty games, but the added features were what cemented this at the top spot. I love game history, and this was the first compilation to contain those sort of features to teach it to have games from both before and after my lifetime. Rare’s existence was what pushed me towards the XBOX 360 in 2008 – Though Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts wasn’t exactly what I wanted at the time, I still owe the developer some thanks for pushing me to the console that defined 2009 through 2014 for me, and it’s great to have the ability to see that game and ones like it again through an older mindset.

Besides, the best game on this compilation is RC Pro-Am, one of the few games released before 1990 that could seriously be considered one of my favorite games of all time, and I would’ve paid for the right to play it easily again anyway. The other 29 games are like a really neat bonus.

Posted in 2015 In Review, Uncategorized | Tagged GOTY, Rare Replay | Leave a comment

Top 10 Things I Didn’t Do In 2015

Posted on December 22, 2015 by Joe Bush

Well, we made it to almost the end of the year. There’s like nine days left but I feel confident in the fact that I have not and will not do any of these things.

10. Larceny at Mike Tyson’s house

I did not break into Mike Tyson’s house and steal his prized block of Ginsu knives. He’s a very wealthy man and he demands only the best knives so if you’re gonna break into a famed boxer’s house you gotta go with Iron Mike. Him or Riddick Bowe, at least. I didn’t do that, though, definitely not.

9. Larceny at NBA Head Coach Mike D’Antoni’s house

An offensive genius and another knife man. Big block of beautiful knives in that sweet, sweet D’Antoni kitchen. I did not pick the lock to his back door while the Knicks or whoever he’s coaching right now were away at the Orlando Magic and hop into that pretty little kitchen to take those shiny blades for myself.

8. The Syrup Caper

There’s a hell of a lot of syrup out there for anybody who’s interested in a hell of a lot of syrup. It’s really very possible for anyone, skilled or unskilled, to steal all of the syrup contained at their local Wal-Mart by only bribing half of the working staff at 2 AM and tricking the others. 48 gallons of Log Cabin would theoretically fit very easily into the trunk of your friend’s 1998 Volkswagen Jetta if someone were to do this.

sweet, sweet syrup

7. Planting an Unnecessarily Large Wooden Pole in the Ground in the Middle of a Road in Iowa City, Iowa

Don’t ask where I would have theoretically found such a big pole. It wasn’t the forest and I didn’t murder an old man to get it. The big pole planted in the Middle of a Road in Iowa City, Iowa in June of 2015 was by someone who likely had a good plan but wasn’t me.

6. Illegal T-Shirt Sales at the World Series

I’m not saying someone was selling blue T-Shirts that read “ROAYLS DO IT IN THE DARK” at Kauffman Stadium before Game 2 of the MLB World Series between the Kansas City Royals and New York/New Jersey Metrostars, but if you see ’em in the wild you can guess who was doin’ it. It wasn’t me.

5. Larceny at Former Presidential Hopeful Herman Cain’s House

Former Pizza executives know their shit when it comes to knives. Herman’s no different. He’s got several different knife blocks located prominently in that big beautiful kitchen of his. I was never forced to break a window or chisel a hinge off of a door in his basement to get into his house – That is, if I was there in the first place, which I was never there at all. Look inside and you will find the Pokémon.

The man knows cutting things

4. Forcing the Sale of the St. Louis Rams to the Manager of a CVS Pharmacy and Drug Store in Fargo, North Dakota

I did not enter the NFL office crying and screaming for six hours to do so. I did not bribe the security at the front office and wage a full crying-based war of attrition on Roger Goodell in order to do so. I don’t know what Clyde would do with the Rams if he were to have ended up owning them, but I know he has no plans to get them to Fargo, he told me “there’s no way that I let a damn team into this place and take my damn pharmaceutical and general convenience money.

3. Discovering Whether or Not there is a Hell

The Incantation could not be found in a book labeled “BÖØK ŌF LĮĘŠ” at the back of the Barnes and Noble in Decatur, Georgia. I did not repeat the incantation to a man wearing only a pair of Wal-Mart plastic bags on his feet in lieu of shoes behind said Wal-Mart and a portal most certainly did not open a portal to hell. There is not a hell and I most certainly have not been there. But I will say, appreciate any ice water you can get. You will want it some day.

2. Larceny at Joel McHale’s House

Jeff Winger, you son of a bitch! I did not steal your knife block from the window behind the sink in your delightfully clean kitchen in Seattle, Washington on the night of November 9th, 2015. I did not only have to open a window and stick a hand in to steal those sweet, clean, sharp little knives from your kitchen, Joel.

Oh Yeah Baby. Oh Hell Yeah Baby.

1. Breaking a Priceless Vase at the Louvre

I’ve never been to France so we can cross this off the list right now. I definitely wasn’t involved in a bet with several drunken Frenchman who wanted me to “Shoot Hoops like Kobe Bryant” with a Twix PB Bar into an ancient Greek vase. It did not fall on the floor and I did not collect the pieces of it in my back pocket and sprint out of the Louvre yelling mean things about Napoleon in a drunken stupor.

Posted in 2015 In Review | Leave a comment

Star Wars: The Force Awakens Spoilers

Posted on December 16, 2015 by Joe Bush

Episode VII “lifts off” this week and we here at Joe Bush Dot Net have stumbled upon a document containing several sentences that will probably spoil the film for you! WARNING: THESE WILL PROBABLY SPOIL THE FILM FOR YOU. BY SPOIL WE MEAN TELL YOU WHAT WILL HAPPEN BEFORE YOU SEE IT HAPPEN AND NOT LITERALLY SPOIL AS YOGURT WOULD.

First of all – Here are the characters that we know now will be in the film: Hans Solo, Fins, Jedi, the cat-bear thing that goes like “ahhhhh” sometimes but everyone seems to understand him, small robot, can robot, Tin Man, Dash Rendar from the N64 game, White Power Ranger, Dark Vader, Gray Dark Vader, George.

But here are a few things you didn’t know you’d be seeing this Thursday night:

Luke Skywalker will return – Luke Skywalkman, the guy from the original movies, will return. He’ll be slightly older than he used to be and also portrayed by Freddy Prinze Jr. for a few scenes for an unknown reason.

Fins will make a fifteen minute soliloquy about the smell of a lightsaber cutting through flesh – According to the script, the first time that he cuts a man open with the lightsaber, “his eyes get real real big” and “he turns to his friend who sorta looks like Vanessa Carlton and says ‘I never thought I’d be able to get over the act of killing a man, but I did that fine. I never imagined the smell, though. Never could have.” he goes on for roughly fifteen minutes according to the script “You don’t wake up and expect to smell that” he says around 6 minutes in “You don’t expect it to smell so similar to so many things and yet so, so unsettlingly different.”

Your Dad’s gonna make a joke like “Was The Force Asleep?” – Lucasfilm walked right into this, no excuse, guys. You can’t set him up like that

The kid who played “Anakin Skywalkman” does not reprise his role in this film though many thought he would. Here he is in The Phantom Menace

Tom Hanks will be in the film – Reprising his role from “Dragnet” surprisingly enough

Will Smith will make a cameo – At around the 45 minute mark, there’s a hard jump cut to the scene in Fresh Prince where Will’s dad comes back for an episode and then goes back to Maine without him and Will starts crying, saying “There ain’t one damn thing he can tell me about how to raise my kids!” At the end of the scene, when Phil and Will embrace, there’s another hard jump cut back into a space dogfight.

The little Bear things? From the forest part of Return of the Jedi? Yeah, they’re there too – I know you hated them but at about the 36 minute mark, Hans “turns around and sees the little bear things, named like, lil’bears or bearlets or something, you remember them, they were in the sixth film in the Star Wars series. Well they’re here. and Hans sees them and he’s like “oh, no, not again,” then looks at the camera like Jim from The Office”

The film also answers the question we’ve all been asking with “yeah, no, this film is set in Glamis, California. Fins gets on an ATV and does some sick jumps after this”

There is a 26-minute sex scene about an hour and a half in – It seems out of place to me personally, and my script says that it “doesn’t even border on pornography – We’re gonna see what we can get away with” I haven’t seen what the MPAA rating is on this movie actually

They explain how Dark Vader pees – I personally wanted to know this and it is explained. It goes right down the legs to the shoes and is slowly sopped out through the soles throughout the day. Someone calls him “peefeet” at some point to confirm this.

Several musical cameos – Around 12 minutes in, Hans turns to Luke and says “My god, Luke, is that The Mighty Mighty Bosstones? and Big Bad Voodoo Daddy? I guess we came to the Cantina on a good night!” and they duet on a cover of Goldfinger’s “Superman” mixed with the Cantina theme remix from the 2004 rereleases what with the CG and all.

“Duel of the Fates” from The Phantom Menace plays at a low volume throughout the entire film – You barely notice it, but it’s there, there’s like a faint “doot doot doodleoot doot doot doodleoot” throughout every scene.

Product Placement is Everywhere – From about an hour and two minutes in, Tin Man says “Oh my, R2-D2, I’m just loving my Smothered, Capped, and Topped Cheese Omelet from Waffle House!” and two hours and seven minutes in, Luke says “My God – Fins and Jedi, I need the smooth taste of Coors Light to quench my thirst and save me from this certain death.” Dark Vader then comes down from his pedestal and hands him a can, which Luke rejects because “The Mountains turn blue when the Beer Gets Cold, and those mountains are not blue” which prompts Fins and Jedi to use “Force Colden.” Fins says “Now, Luke, it’s as Cold as the Rockies and as Refreshing as the Galaxy.” Luke is brought back to life and kills Gray Dark Vader and Darth Maul with one fell swoop.

Sorry for spoiling everything, but with information like this, wouldn’t it be worse to let it go unknown? May the Force Be Ever in Your Favor!

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged Star Wars | Leave a comment

cannot get jelly out of jar please help

Posted on December 4, 2015 by Joe Bush

I really want to put some of this jelly on my sandwich. Is that all I have to say?

this is far too skinny of a jar

I used to eat good sandwiches. This small jar does not allow for enough Jelly (or “Strawberry Preserves” if you believe the little satan) to come out of the jar and onto my sandwich and thus into my stomach for nourishment. It’s too little. Look at the knife next to it

almost all the knife gets in there. what the hell

I know what you’re saying – “GET AN BIGGER KNIFE IDOIT*”. Trust me, I’ve heard it all before.

Yeah, okay, dummy, look at this. Not working. You think I can get the whole thing in there? Not a chance

I. Just. Want. Some. JELLY. for. My. PBJ. Sandwich. Which. I. Was. Trying. To. Make. Earlier. This. Afternoon.

I won’t even look at the peanut butter cause it’s fine. I bought a big ol jar of peanut butter at Wal-Mart this week and it’s doing great. I can get all the Peanut Buttter out of it that I want.

I can’t eat my sandwich the way that I want to because of the GOD DANG JELLY JAR?

Every time I scrape the knife against the jelly it gets all over the side of the jar and barely any gets off on the knife. It’s ridiculous, and unfair, I should add, to me, that I, myself, should have to make concessions for this jar.

i am sorry this is not the picture I wanted to put here how do i delete photos on WORDPRESS.COM

Unbelievable. Look at how much is left and will be lost.

This is ridiculous. It’s the god forsaken spoiled and entitled and godless and helpless millenials and their small skinny jar wantings rather than the wider based jars of yore perpetrated by the older and better generations that have done this too me. I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO SUFFER FOR NO JELLY.

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