100% of this article is completely factual. Everything here definitely happened, a whole lot, and please don’t call me a “compulsive liar” because that hurts my feelings very bad and my guidance counselor told me I needed to keep my self-esteem up.
I have been in Canada for little over three weeks now, and I am shocked, shocked, I tell you, at how many things have tried to murder me. The people here are generally nice, but the wildlife wants my blood. The good thing is that I also want its blood, so it cancels out.
The issue at hand right now is that I am too powerful and I feel I will never be defeated again, and when I return to the Kansan wilderness or Suburb or whatever, I will be far too powerful for the assorted threats there. I am not prepared to be undefeatable, and knowing that I am undefeatable will make the inevitable massive defeat all the more awful. However, I must state what I have defeated in Canada so far to inform. This is not to brag, because I am not proud of anything I have done.
I’ll be out of the country next month. I don’t know how many people actually know that, but you know now. I generally don’t like telling people things like this, it feels like bragging. I’m doing it now, though.
Anyway, I’m gonna be out of the country, in a country where they speak French, so I won’t be up to date on what’s going on here in the United States, or Kansas, or Lawrence, or my apartment, so I’m just going to predict what happens and make commentary off of that.
Note: I only used this title in order to stick with the pseudo-protocol that I have developed when discussing quality.
In writing a blog post like this, I think I’m supposed to build my writing up to a climactic ending where I state my verdict. That’s how I did it last time. However, this is different, because I think the title has a very obvious answer, because Mario Kart 64 is good.
The more important question here is “Is Mario Kart 64 Good in the context of every Mario Kart game?” That answer is more complicated.
Charmin and the bears are back, and they’re still gettin’ down and dirty with the toilet paper business. In their defense, there’s really not a way to sell toilet paper that doesn’t involve getting way too detailed, but in our defense, it’s funny, so, whatever. Anyway, while scavenging through the dumpster district of Hollywood last week, I found a copy of this script for the next Charmin ad. It follows the same continuity and is based in the same cinematic universe of the commercial I have linked above.
What’s up, my fellow Jayhawks??? We soar above the plains of Kansas and prey upon the weak below us, be them Wildcats, Tigers, or some third thing! As we say in our Alma Mater – Hail to Old KU! This university has been around since the 19th century, so we’ve got a lot to cheer about. For those of you new to KU, let this be your guide to the Jayhawk spirit and tradition!
“Have it Your Way” we say! Wake up next with the King feeling nice and satisfied with these Burger King Secret Menu items we at the Joe Bush Dot Net Secret Menu Detective Team (it’s just me) excavated. Ask any Burger King employee about these and they’ll know exactly what you’re talking about and won’t kick you out of the store.
Hey friends. Me and the Joe Bush Dot Net LifeHack Gang took a trip to the sunny shores of Orlando, Florida last week and did some scouting. Most people believe that a trip to Disney World will cost hundreds of dollars and will consist of standing in lines in the hot Orlando sun for hours at a time. This does not have to be the case if you follow these simple LifeHacks! I’m breaking this list up into the different parks of the Walt Disney World Resort for your reading convenience
Yesterday, myself and an unnamed man attended Worlds of Fun, the theme park located in Kansas City, Missouri. I think like 7 or 8 local area high schools were spending a day at the park so it was mildly crowded from about 11:00 AM to maybe 4:00 PM. After that, just about everyone was gone and we were free to enact the Five Mamba Challenge, a pseudo-medical procedure involving riding on the Mamba coaster five times.
This ride would be considered moderately intense as far as roller coasters go. However, after like half a thing of cheese fries, the body and the mind experience a number of emotions through each rung of the Five Mamba Challenge. This is my recap of those.
PRE ROUND 1
I remember feeling like, oh, this might be fun, oh, Clay’s trying to get me to ride this ride five times, I’ll probably have a good time for just one but I doubt he’ll actually make me do it five times. I might get sick if I go on another intensive ride like this, though, so I should probably sit down after this ride’s over.
POST ROUND 1
This was a bad idea, I thought. I shouldn’t have taken up the offer to ride this even once, however, I should probably sit down for a little bit because I’m not feeling very well. When I communicated this idea to Clay, he informed me that we would be sitting down on the ride. Fair point. My eyes were closed in this photo because I wanted to die Also shout-out to the guy in the background. He barely even looks real but I assure you he was.
POST ROUND 2
Clay’s scientific work leading up to this determined that the second Mamba was the worst of the five Mambas. I disagree with this idea, for I held my face in my hands for the entirety of the ride and I only slightly wanted to feel the sweet embrace of death or at least unconsciousness or at the very least nauseated expulsion, compared to many of the other rungs of the challenge. By the way, nobody is safe in the background of these photos. At the end of this round, Clay informed me that we were halfway done, which was not true but I appreciated the sentiment.
POST ROUND 3
We took the photo post-round 3 almost immediately after we got off of the ride. You can see me faintly smiling through the glare of the sun’s impressive power. This is because I actually almost passed out during round 3 and I think I realized just how close I was to finishing the Five Mamba Challenge early. Mat Hoffman once said something along the lines of “When you die, your brain releases these crazy endorphins that make you think, like, I’m about to die, but that’s okay” which I think was my mindset at this point.
I had to sit down for a brief second on a bench after this one.
POST ROUND 4
You can see the pain and suffering in my eyes here. I know what has come and I know what will come. I know I am not done, however I know I am eighty percent of the way there. Clay is unfazed because he is a child of god and I am stuck as a child of what, exactly? If there is like a deity equivalent of, like, Mark Brunell, or A.C. Green, or George H.W. Bush, you know, good but not perfect, but gets the job done, I’m probably a child of that. I am fallible, aggressively so, and my flaws are in reality what drive me forward. The discomfort of being on a roller coaster like this five straight times is what makes me a better person than the one that woke up this morning. I will never be perfect. I will never be able to ride five mambas and not feel like death, but I will also never ride five mambas and reach the ultimate bottom. This was my lowest point during the five mamba challenge.
After that photo was taken post-round 4, everything changed. The sun became brighter. The world became happier. I was no longer about to die. I stared death in the face during the first four mambas and I realized that there was nothing to fear anymore. I can look anywhere and see that there’s nothing out there that can actually stop me. I am unflappable. There was a man at the park yesterday wearing a shirt that said “Try To Stop Me”. I did not try to stop him, however, at that moment, I realized that I had only one Mamba yet, and I felt the same way that he did. I was energetic. I discovered the secret of the Five Mamba Challenge. It was the secret of everything. Who shot JFK? Why did Watergate happen? What actually happened in the last episode of the Angry Beavers that they never put out? Who knows? Who Cares? This was the end of the world and the beginning of the world. I was, at that moment, in a state of perfection that will never be matched. I looked into the void and saw nothing and everything all at once. I know not if the guy in the background was intending to get into the photo or not, but he, and… actually, the guy in the American flag shirt was in the round 4 photo as well, wasn’t he?
Oh my god. We were not alone. The Five Mamba Challenge will never leave you alone.
All Credit for the Creation of the Five Mamba Challenge goes to Clay Knapp of Chicago, Illinois because he asked several times for me to credit him.
YouTube has been around for over ten years at this point, and I think what makes it such an interesting site is the fact that everyone can find their own little niche in there somewhere. I first got on the site back in 2006, and I posted my first video in 2008. None of my own videos will be possibly candidates to answer this question, other than this one which shall be put in as an honorable mention:
What a classic. My sister used to show this video to her friends because she’s seated on the couch in the background. Speaking of Laurie, this is my own personal recommendation for this award:
Laurie does a face plant, jbushft, 133 views, 12/26/2009
This is still funny. I can’t remember if she was upset at the end or not but I’d like to think she had a good sense of humor about her snowboarding inability. Please note that I will only be putting videos clearly put up by members of the internet up, not recordings of TV shows or anything like that, and I’m probably going to steer away from comedy troupes or anything like that. Most of these videos won’t be longer than like 2 minutes, either.
From the “Joke Guillotine” Category
Unplugger, Nik Ramage, 1,445,467 views, 7/18/2007
You know from the second you click on this video that the machine entitled the unplugger, which looks to be needlessly complicated in the first place, will eventually unplug itself. You know it’s coming. You know it’s gonna get unplugged. Yet, it still does. I don’t know if I laugh at it anymore but I almost always will click on it because I know what’s going to happen. It’s the most expected thing, you knew it was going to happen before you even clicked, and yet, you still did, and it still happened. Why is the thing so complex? Why so many gears? Actually, why does the camera hang on the thing after it gets unplugged for so long? It’s ridiculous and clearly made by someone far more intelligent than myself.
From The “Consistently Good YouTube Sketch” category
P.E. with Coach Wiener: Baseball, Honorstudent, 26,606 views, 1/18/2009
This goes against the “sketch troupe” rule I made earlier, but this is the best example of anything made by a YouTube focused sketch troupe. I know David Neher went on to do Community, as well, but this was before that and when these three guys went to a baseball field and made a video I probably watched every day for a month when I first discovered it. I still use the “That Sucked” freeze frame on Twitter if a team I’m watching loses. This keeps up the absurd humor that made up so many great early YouTube sketch groups going for the entirety of the video which was impressive back then and it still has the sort of grit and homemade feel that early YoutTube sketch groups had.
I think I had a falling out with a friend once because I thought this video was funny and they didn’t. This guy, NKassad, has to my knowledge not attempted to become anything more than the kid who slammed a Mr. Krabs figurine into fake water on a game board and I appreciate that. I don’t know what the guy looks like, who he is, what he does, anything like that. As with anyone, there’s a very, very small, but not impossible chance, that I or anyone else reading this has met this guy at some point. I have no way to know because I don’t know his face, or name, or voice outside of this video from 7 years ago, which is crazy to think about. I will never forget this video, but this person will remain anonymous literally until the end of time. He could be the man giving me open-heart surgery in thirty years and I’d have no way to know.
From the “clip out of context from a movie” category
fang.avi, tiago brandão, 6,897 views, 1/25/2012
This video has been in my Twitter bio since I think April 2012 or so and nobody has ever commented. I have not seen this movie outside of this scene and the filing cabinet scene, but I see Nic Cage frantically tearing open a brown bag that contains only fake vampire’s teeth and I have to share it with the world somehow.
This is just a good video all around. I knew very little about carrots before watching it, I’d say I know quite a bit about them now.
From the “He’s going to Jail” category
“I’m Going to Jail!”, Jasmine S, 305,040 views 7/26/2013
This man is going to jail. I don’t know where this was recorded. I assume it’s a sports championship riot sort of thing but I don’t know where, I can only guess that they’re shouting “Let’s Go Hawks!” which makes me think… Chicago? Blackhawks? Who knows. Who cares. This guy didn’t, at least, and that’s probably why he’s goin’ to jail.
From the “Belgians dancing in front of a green screen to some sort of proto-techno for an hour” category
Radio Soulwax: Cherry Moon on Valium, SLUDGE HAMMER, 405,010 views, 9/8/2011
I have a better stomach for this sort of music than a lot of other people do. This is actually sort of my thing. However, the music itself takes a backseat to these random people dancing by themselves for an hour. This video is a trip.
THE ACTUAL GREATEST VIDEO
Why is “Fred n Bulk n Skull Theme” the greatest YouTube video? Is it because I still laugh when I watch it even though I know what’s coming up? Probably. It’s also because it’s a genuinely well done remix in the first thirty seconds or so, and the descent into madness grows over time until the end of the video when it’s simultaneously unwatchable and the most watchable. Also, I like the title “Fred n Bulk n Skull Theme” because I didn’t assume it was Fred Durst initially, and I know it’s Fred Durst now, I didn’t even know who Fred Durst was when I first saw it. Thank god for limpmixbit for this video. It has been almost six years since it came out and it remains unmatched.
My name is Joe Bush, and I turned 21 years old today. All my life I have struggled with self-shame and self-doubt. I’ve struggled to be honest with people. I’ve struggled to be honest with myself. If I can’t be honest with myself, how can I be real with you? I have been lying to this readership for long enough. I’ve tried to become on this page exactly what you’d get from me if you talked to me in person. I feel like you deserve to know everything about me that you deserve to know. I feel like you don’t deserve to sit in waiting about this.
So, yes, it’s time to come clean. It’s time to be honest. It’s time for me to stop lying to you, and to stop lying to me. It’s time for you to know:
All my life I have struggled with self-shame and self-doubt. I’ve struggled to be honest with people. I’ve struggled to be honest with myself. If I can’t be honest with myself, how can I be real with you? I have been lying to this readership for long enough. I’ve tried to become on this page exactly what you’d get from me if you talked to me in person. I feel like you deserve to know everything about me that you deserve to know. I feel like you don’t deserve to sit in waiting about this.
Joe Bush dot Net 